Relationships can be hard

3/19/2023

Many folks struggle with relationships: family, intimate, friends. One of the most challenging aspects of relationships is communication. If we generally shy away from confrontation, how do we let someone know what we need? We have two choices, as I see it: learn to confront, or keep our emotional expressions inside and perpetuate feelings of sadness, upset, disappointment, resentment and regret. My earlier blog on confrontation may be useful here. But as a reminder, confrontation does not have to be hostile or create conflict. It’s simply a form of communication. How do we get what we need if we don’t ask for it? And here’s the rub: we want people to inherently know what we need, without asking.

What if we were to come to grips with the idea that people have limitations. And, what we may be able to do, others can’t. And what we can’t do, maybe others can’t either - so why expect it of them? The path to feeling good and having healthy relationships is acceptance. Accepting people for who they are leads to greater satisfaction. What if we accepted that the friend or partner can’t say “I’m sorry you are the one to always come up with the plans, but I’m just not good at that”. That would be so helpful to hear! But most people aren’t able to offer that in specific words - but through actions, or inaction. What if we rewrote the script - but to ourselves - and remind ourselves that “this person has a limitation and I will accept that. I don’t need them to acknowledge this. And for me to be at greater peace, I will assume this is their limitation”. What is the alternative? To continuously and repeatedly get upset at them - or at your role in the relationship; to argue with them to change something that may not be changeable; or ultimately to “break up” with this person?
Another example: what if we accepted that our mother/father/sister/brother can never remember a birthday and you are so good at that - to the point where you are constantly going card shopping so that every person in your family feels celebrated? You are lovely! But, that doesn’t mean they will do the same for you. You can substitute any example of your own, but remember iIt also doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or care about you. It may simply not be their way, or within their wheelhouse to do so. Are there other ways they show you they care? Can you accept this? Does this mean you should shift your behavior and not get that person a card or acknowledge his/her birthday? I don’t think so. That’s not being genuine to who you are. The shift you can make is to be understanding, and not to personalize. And perhaps, even to mourn the loss of who you would like this person to be.

Another aspect of difficulty or strains in relationships is that relationships often shift over time. As people take on more responsibility and new phases of life take different forms - children, work, new interests - their time to dedicate to you may change. Sure you miss the companionship, and the relationship you adored. It hurts! It’s a loss! But… it’s.not.personal. This is a mantra that needs to be practiced. When you depersonalize someone else’s behavior, and accept instead that the sum of them may be better than parts of them, you will achieve a greater sense of satisfaction and contentment. As Dr. Niehbur said “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

12 Comments

Anthony Gaetani

3/21/2023 04:57:53 pm

I think that It is important to me to reflect on this blog post because it is something that I have struggled with tremendously. I like to consider myself as a genuine person, who accepts people as they are. However, I learned that I tend to be a people-pleaser. I am always doing what I think feels right to me. But as I grow both as a learner, social worker, family member, and friend, I realized that I have a lot of expectations of people. I always found myself saying "I did this and that, why can't I don't others do it for me?".. or things along those lines. Accepting people for who they are and not having expectations that a person will react or behave in a way that I think they should or would has made me a happier person. I accept people for how they are, but I will always be curious as to why they think, act and behave the way they do.
I remember saying to someone I care deeply about " I know you are a nice person, why are you treating me like this?" to which the person responded, "Im not a nice person". That was eye opening and a bit painful for me and it is something that I had to work through for a very long time. Mourning the loss of what a person *could* have been is extremely painful.
Relationships can be hard. With relationships comes a level of vulnerability, and some people may not be ready to be vulnerable and that can be difficult to work through. I enjoyed reading this blog. It allowed me to reflect on a personal level about relationships.

Amy Meyers

4/14/2023 12:06:50 pm

Hi Anthony,
Thank you for your thoughtful reflection. It's a work in progress as I see it. It takes repeated effort not to take things personally and to understand that others have limitations too, not just us. I think we feel better when we understand that most folks do the best they can.

Emily Gunn

3/31/2023 10:20:06 am

This entire blog post really spoke to me. Of course, this can apply to clients but it really is something I struggle with personally. Relationships with family can be so complex and difficult. They are people we often don't choose but still feel the need to have a connection with as they're "blood." One of the main things I learned from my dad is that we hold the people we love around us to the same high expectation we usually hold ourselves to. We have to learn to not to do this, as it is only detrimental most of the time. Sure, it is human nature to search out people who hold the same values as us but we also do not want to put people in a box where they don't fit. I see myself as someone who does truly care about others. I often find myself expecting people to do the same that I do for them and that is never really the case. Accepting people for who they are is so important and will also make me happier. Not constantly having that expectation can certainly be freeing. As i get older, I see myself doing this more with friends, family, and partners. While it is normal to be frustrated and angry with those that we love, looking at their strengths is something good to recognize as that often gets lost.

4/14/2023 12:08:52 pm

Hi Emily,
I really appreciate your reflection. It takes practice, practice, practice. And like most things, the more we put things into practice the easier it gets. Expectations - of self and other - is something that I think we need to modify for our own well-being.

Jessica Garcia-Pocasangre

4/1/2023 07:34:33 pm

This blog post spoke to me regarding when people take on more responsibility and new phases of life take different forms, such as family, work, and new interests -our time to dedicate to it may change. I'm seeing this now with my son, and I's relationship. Since he was eight years old, we've had a strong bond, but I noticed that change when I decided to go back to school. My life started getting busy with work, school, and other life challenges along the way. But I would also try my best to find time with him. I would prepare his favorite dishes or take him to places he liked. As he grew up, I thought he would start picking up my same characteristics in the ways I expressed to him. He didn't. I would start taking it personally. I would then say or think I should stop offering all of myself and start acting like him. In other words, I should give him a taste of the same medicine. I couldn't. As Dr. Meyers says, "That's not being genuine to who you are."
I genuinely believe and agree with her comment. Why would I change my ways? This is WHO defines me as a person to share MY TRUE SELF with the WORLD, not only with my son but with others. My son is just one example. I've seen this also done to me at work people would tell me, "Hey Jessica, why are you bringing stuff to share with others? Don't you know they won't appreciate it or you". But I would reply and say, "that's just the person I am." I like to share with others when I can, and there were times I felt hurt when they didn't do the same for me, but this blog reminded me I shouldn't change for others rather I should keep doing and being genuine as I am and don't expect the same from others. Remember: They're no other person like you. Be Kind, Be Unique, and Be YOU!

4/14/2023 12:11:44 pm

Hi Jessica,
I'm glad you continue to be true to yourself. Importantly, you are modeling for your son - so hopefully sooner or later he will pick up on your attributes and adopt them himself. I am so glad you have adopted a new outlook!

Alyssa Lombardo

4/2/2023 08:48:26 pm

I can certainly relate to this idea of wanting people to inherently know what I need without asking. This blog allowed me to reflect on this concept in regards to many relationships in my life. In particular, I thought about a previous encounter with my partner when they were upset and I did whatever I knew how to console them. However, they weren’t satisfied with me and said “why can’t you just do this and why didn’t you do that? And “We’ve been together for this long and you still don’t know what I need?” I remember feeling really guilty yet also confused. What was I doing wrong? A little while later they said “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying your best and I appreciate that but it would be helpful if you could do this”. For me, that would be challenging because I have a hard time communicating what I need. I am the kind of person that always responds with “It’s fine” or “Don’t worry, it’s okay” when in fact it certainly isn’t. Then when that conversation comes up again I tend to blow up. It has surprised people because they would say “Well why didn’t you tell me this before?” or “How am I supposed to know that it upset you?” That’s exactly it. How would someone know if we don’t communicate with them? I know for me it’s because I hate confrontation and I often fear that my feelings would automatically be invalidated. I know I need to work on my communication skills in order to have healthy relationships and I am hoping that over time I will have less fear around asking for what I need.
I really enjoyed this blog post because not only did it highlight what acceptance can look like in relationships but also tied in the importance of effective communication.

4/14/2023 12:15:07 pm

Hi Alyssa,
I think this is an important reflection. If you didn't feel that your partner's confrontation was an attack (the second communication) perhaps you can learn that your messaging also won't be received as an attack. I think a lot has to do with delivery. Fearing your feeling won't be validated is a common reaction to not wanting to ask for what we need. It's safer, but it also leads to upset, frustration and anger at the other person whom we expect to know what we need without asking. Hoping you take a risk.

jane mccabe

4/30/2023 08:07:46 pm

I found this blog post extremely interesting. I think in this day and age, it is so easy to just complain or pick apart pieces of someone based on what we want or expect them to do for us. Especially in intimate relationships, it is so easy to assume that the other person will just know what you need because they know you so deeply. Obviously, that is not always the case. I think this blog reaffirms that sometimes we just need to be open to confrontation. Confrontation is not always a bad thing, as we learn in class, it can be a great tool to be used to enhance our relationships with one another. When thinking about applying it to my future practice, I thought that I would want my clients to confront me if they are not getting what they need. As we say all the time, we cant help other people if we do not first help ourselves. For me to practice this in my own life, would not only help my relationships but would also help me identify when my clients confront me.

5/1/2023 11:26:44 am

I agree Jane. We have to practice what we preach! Learning to confront isn't easy, but if we reframe our perspective on it as not bad or mean, it helps.

Hajrah Beig

5/1/2023 11:37:04 pm

Confrontation has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to think about doing in my entire life. Why not just stay silent and continue to suffer and pray that things magically go the way they should? I feel that the issue is that the term confrontation overall just has such a negative connotation. I wish when learning about the term, we were constantly taught that it’s just a form of communication! You don’t have to fight, voices do not need to be raised!
I truly believe that communication is a make-or-break for any relationship. Being in a relationship of five years, I felt at one point that we were sinking for a second. Our lives were getting busier, we were picking up new responsibilities and one of us was starting a new phase in life, causing at least one of us to many times drift and not give enough attention anymore. The only way we were able to get back up was through some sort of healthy confrontation and a heck of a lot of communication of needs. My question to you Dr. Meyers, is why do you feel that an individual will stop doing a gesture because they are not receiving the equivalent back (bday card every year)? Do you think that it has to do with their ego?

5/2/2023 09:31:47 am

Hi Hajrah, it almost seems you are bridging this post with the one on "oh no, confrontation". I think the common denominator is communication. It is definitely a must for relationships to thrive and survive. You raise an interesting question. I think it has to do with someone's ego being bruised. It can hurt not to have reciprocity in a relationship. And that hurt can also create anger. Perhaps the person feeling these emotions can consider if there are other ways the other person is showing their love and can they accept that? And, context is everything - so there may be a bigger picture regarding the relationship that is more explanatory for the reaction.

Relationships can be hard

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