Thoughts on Episode 1: SUCK IT UP AND CARRY ON

We are shaped by our upbringing and our lived experiences. It’s a fact. Yes, our parents/caregivers and siblings are key influences on us, but we also have had a host of other experiences with people and situations that shape who we are, how we relate to others, and how we move through life. What were you told or how were you related to growing up or in adulthood that has stuck with you? Does it make you feel good? Does it make you
upset? Are you able to depersonalize the messages that aren’t so nice? Oftentimes the messaging we have received reflects on the person who was delivering that message rather than us. But it’s very hard to believe that, or feel that. Intellectually we may know that “It’s you, not me”, but it’s easy to lose sight of. What often happens is that we take in those messages (internalize), make them our own (believe them), and project them (externalize). What does this mean? It means that we tend to expect others to react and respond to us as others have in our lives. So when those expectations reactions and responses are negative/critical, we may limit how we interact, or with whom we interact as a method of self-protection. For example, if you have been criticized often and told that you are not very smart, you are likely not to volunteer your views or opinions to others, expecting that they are going to think you are not very smart. So, you close yourself off. In essence what is happening is you may be defending against the rejection that you expect. And in turn, you have now limited your participation in that moment, but maybe in life as well. We all learn to self-protect. What is your method of self-protection? Avoidance is a common defense. In my previous blog, you can see how I have personally self-protected.  While avoidance is protective, it doesn’t serve us well and limits our breadth of experiences and satisfaction, and ability to feel good!
So how can you move past this?

1. Be patient. It takes work. You have developed into who you are, and it has been with you all your life, so it’s going to take some time to undo. Therapy can help. The therapist will work with you to understand where these feelings come from. Self-awareness is the first step. Once you gain insight into how this feeling developed you can work to shift it. 
2. Self-talk. Each time you are faced with that triggered feeling, ask yourself what evidence do you have that this person is going to reject you? Have they before? Have you given them a chance?
3. Take in the good. Don’t always focus on the critique you may get from friends, school, work, etc. It’s not the all of you. You’re more than the critique. When you find yourself overly fixating on the negative, try to re-direct yourself; distract yourself. Pull yourself away from the thoughts rather than indulging in them. Alternatively, replace them with the positive attributes you know you have, or people have said about you. You have many positive attributes and consider the positive feedback you have received.
4. Take risks. Try to put yourself in situations that bring you discomfort. Gaining comfort with discomfort takes practice, practice, and more practice. What can you learn about yourself as you experience these challenging situations? It will always produce growth even if it comes with some pain. We can’t walk around difficult feelings because then we are walking in circles to no resolve. We must push through tough feelings in order to get past them. If we never allow ourselves to confront the fears, nothing will change. ​

Some of us have been raised not to care what other people think of us  – this can be good and bad. It can be good in the sense of not letting the negativity paralyze you; but it’s also important to hear what folks are communicating, especially if more than one person has communicated the same message. Then, you can decide whether what you have been told is worth listening to: is it from someone whom you respect? Have you received this feedback from more than one person? Are you being oversensitive? Are you not being open enough? Being able to make this determination requires knowing yourself. Really well. The more you become reflective and introspective, the more you will become insightful and attuned to yourself and others. The result is that you will then be able to manage the feelings you are experiencing rather than being immobilized by them. When we grow personally, we are happier, more in control, and better interpersonally. 
You may also have been told – or have the expectation of yourself - to simply move on and just stop being upset by our experiences. “Just stop feeling that way”. This is unfair. We are emotionally driven, and we don’t operate like this. We must learn how to move past the pain that can arise from other people’s perceptions. So rather than getting distraught over hurtful comments or allowing others to control how you feel about yourself, take charge! You will shine in your personal relationships and your work.
People are everywhere, we can’t avoid them.

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