CHANGING OTHERS; CHANGING YOURSELF

​Have you tried to change your parent(s), sibling, friend(s), lover, client, supervisor, etc? If they would just___ or just stop ____ things would be so much easier. You would be happier. If you hammer it into their head over and over, or if you call them out every time they commit an offense, or if you chastise them until you’re blue in the face… maybe, just maybe they will change. What if you shift your thinking: It’s empowering to realize you can control yourself. It’s the only thing you can fully manage. It’s harder than putting the focus on other people, but it’s also more rewarding because you can change. Any social worker or therapist knows that you can’t change clients who don’t want to change. Or if you’re working harder than them something is not right and needs to be looked at. Probably countertransference in fact. That’s because the only person that has the power to create change is the person themselves. However, we may be very invested in that other person changing, because it impacts us. And that’s what relationships are. Being in a relationship with another person - their behavior, moods, choices, perceptions, impacts us. And it’s hard! We are the ones who have to shift the effect on us of other people’s words and actions. And only we can do that.

Some of us spend a lifetime trying to change others. Let me give an example. I often lose my patience with my aging father. I can also lose empathy, which I have for pretty much all other aging adults. And I realize, it’s my fault. As my father loses his memory and blames me for not telling him things, or gets angry and irritated that I’m confusing in the way I’m communicating, I realize that he is frustrated with himself and needs to project on to me because otherwise his memory loss is too painful. That’s my revelation, also known as my intellectual understanding. However, emotionally, I’m triggered. Because I’ve always been blamed – whether it’s for a scratch on the wall or an argument with my brother. I have to separate the past from the present. And in doing so, I’m choosing ME. I’m taking back control from trying to change him. I am practicing being in the here and now and the idea that “he is who he is”. I often say these ideas are easier said than done. It requires practice and repetition. And then there’s therapy. Therapy helps to understand other people’s limitations. Therapy helps us figure out how we may be getting in our own way. Therapy helps us figure out what we need to take charge of to feel less upset, less resentful, angry, alone, and more fulfilled. Let go -  of the negativity, the blame, and of being controlled by others.

Remember, care what others think, but discern who it is and how much you value them. Care what others think, but give so much more power to the positive voices. Remember, that other people’s perceptions, choices, moods, behavior, is most often not about you.

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