IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Nothing feels worse than imposter syndrome. Well, lots of things feel worse. But when you are experiencing imposter syndrome it can really do a number on your ego. We all want to feel competent. And we all want to succeed and do well in our careers. Some of us have different measures of success and different levels of drive. Let’s start with setting realistic expectations because I see this as the basis for all things satisfying. It’s “healthy” to have goals and to want to achieve. The irony is that it is usually high achieving folks that experience imposter syndrome - the incessant feeling that you are not competent; not succeeding; not being perceived as “enough”. I have consistently
doubted my competence early in my career. Perhaps it's a rite of passage in this profession. You have a huge responsibility to hold the emotional lives of others. But in time, that feeling should decrease. As you gain experience, and have the ability to recognize your accomplishments, you should get rid of the feeling. Easier said than done. Although I don’t contend with imposter syndrome generally any more (I’m in my 50’s and it took a while), it still rears itself from time to time, depending on the context. When I experience that feeling, I give myself permission not only to feel what I’m feeling, but to also make mistakes. That ability is incredibly freeing. It humanizes us. And, it even may make us more likable: folks see themselves in us, and that’s bonding, and relieving for THEM. When I first started teaching and was filled with anxiety, aka imposter syndrome, a more experienced professor asked me: what is your greatest fear? I replied: to not know the answer to a student’s question. He said “so say you don’t know”. I was floored. I can do that?! Won’t I look incompetent? He reframed it as modeling for the students that 1) I can acknowledge my limitations and 2) I can come back to the next class with the information. This was beyond freeing, though it didn’t automatically cure my imposter syndrome. Time did. Experience did. Building relationships with my students did. I soon saw that students valued what I did have to offer, what I was challenged to see in myself. Next came having to make presentations at conferences and wanting to call from my hotel room to pronounce that I’m too sick to present. The risk was too high: people will see that I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I had these feelings, but I pushed through them. Fast forward to present day. How do I now feel like an experienced, competent psychotherapist and professor? I listened, and I watched… to how others experienced me. And I have taken that in, and made it my own. Because earlier on, I didn’t have the ego to believe in myself. Sometimes we shouldn’t care what others think, and sometimes we need to pay attention to how others perceive us, so that we can build from that, grow from that.
Her are a few things you can do:

1. Set realistic expectations. For example, in my profession as a psychotherapist, we need to understand that change is slow. You may not see the results of your efforts for quite a while. Does this mean you aren’t successful? No. Again, it simply means that change is slow. It means that you need to readjust your definition of success. It means that you need to conceptualize success differently. If a client continues to come to therapy and share themselves with you, you have established trust. That is HUGE. Did they improve their life, marriage, work, etc? Well, that takes TIME.
2. Give yourself a break. Have you always been lauded as “so smart”, “so fast”, “so qualified”? That’s a heavy burden to bear. It references #1 - set realistic expectations: not only of others, but yourself. No one is perfect. NO ONE. We learn from mistakes - yes, it’s true. And you will make many mistakes. When we grow up being told how wonderful we are - all. the. time. - it’s not helpful. We then go out in the real world and realize lots of people are wonderful and extremely competent. Stay the course. You don’t have to be perfect to be considered an expert or even competent. 
3. Normalize your feelings. No one feels competent all the time. Why should you be any different? Consider the reality of your perspective and perceptions.
4. Self-talk. Ask yourself what evidence you have that you are a failure or are failing.
5. Remember. Most things that are new to us require practice and skill development. Can this be encouraging - maybe even exciting? If we knew everything from the beginning, work wouldn’t be really very interesting. And, how would you experience a sense of achievement?

Want to hear more from a seasoned practitioner about her imposter syndrome?
​Tune in to WWDMD Episode 93.

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