 I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, and by younger I mean from my teens to my early 30’s, I obsessed a lot. I tend to think that’s a normative part of development, maybe even more for girls than boys. Girls are naturally more emotional and emotive, and we tend to think a lot. I have a t-shirt that says “hold on, let me overthink that”. It’s very common to become overwhelmed, feel anxious, and then stay focused on thoughts and feelings that represent the anxiety. This is particularly common in regard to relationships or the relational aspect of something that may cause you stress and/or anxiety. However, at what point do thoughts become obsessions? The answer? When they become intrusive and they are hard to control or distract from. Words like spiraling, rumination, and fixation may resonate with you. Obsessing can be overwhelming, and certainly unwelcomed. There are ways to interrupt the unwanted thoughts and you can manage them. You can use distraction, mindfulness techniques, and self-talk. And of course, therapy. What does this look like? Check out WWDMD episode 92 and take control of those thoughts that feel like they are controlling you.
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 Folks who contend with anxiety, a persistent worry, expect some kind of risk or grave outcome. This is anticipated fear which creates an abundance of unsettling feelings. But here’s the irony: those things folks usually worry about are generally based on faulty perceptions; things that are beyond your control; things that become distorted from reality based on a negative self-perception. A state of anxiety actually creates a worrisome if not paralyzing condition that consumes one’s energy and emotions, yet the anticipated dreaded outcome usually turns out ok. It is a cruel paradox: the worry expends a lot of “wasted” energy regarding the feared outcome, yet it feels very real. Imagine if we could just convince or assure ourselves that these fears are not to be feared? If only we worked that way. I believe anxiety can be worked on by developing one’s ego. However, that can take a while. In the meantime, folks who experience this intense state of emotional being, or consistent physical effects in their body, can implement coping tools to ease the distress as its occurring and to experience feeling grounded when it becomes overwhelming:
 I’m all for taking responsibility for our mental health. It’s not a fault and it’s not anyone’s fault. Pathologizing folks is dangerous. On the one hand, labeling allows us to treat/intervene. On the other hand, labels tend to follow people for a long time, often to their detriment. It creates a sense of “us” and “them” and this leads to othering; a phenomenon whereby folks marginalize or oppress others outside of
their own social identity who may be different. Our society is built on a system of hierarchy and pathologizing facilitates a distinction among us. Mental illness is real. It creates a struggle and those who don’t suffer from mental illness should serve as allies or at the least, be empathic. Increasingly, we tend to overuse and ascribe pathological terms to common behavior. If someone is moody, they are called bipolar. If someone has a poor attention span, they have ADHD. If someone is self-involved they are narcissistic. These are sweeping generalizations made from an observed characteristic that most times does not represent a true diagnosis. This tendency also undermines the severity or reality of symptoms of those who do carry these disorders. We need to be aware of a few things: - One behavior trait does not make a diagnosis - There are several categories of behavior or symptoms to accurately diagnose - Labeling/pathologizing is hurtful Another aspect of pathologizing is placing responsibility on the individual and as a result, treating the individual. At times necessary! But when we see an increase in diagnoses for example anxiety, depression, ADHD, we need to also question our environment and explore contributing factors. The pandemic has given rise to an entire generation of folks who are isolated, depressed, anxious and have social anxiety. Moodiness can be impacted by seasonal changes, economic stressors or a host of situational or environmental circumstances. Social media plagues our ability to delay gratification. Lighting, temperature, sounds, smells, and color can create discomfort, agitations, or one’s sense of safety. Climate change has been shown to be linked to increased mental health issues including aggression and depression. Crime impacts anxiety. Poverty, toxins, bullying, technology, structural racism and so on. Let’s open our minds to considering the difference between environmental and individualistic challenges. Environment can impact mental health which impacts the individual’s well-being. Do we work on the individual or the environment? Sometimes the former, sometimes the latter, and sometimes it’s a combined effort.  Angela Davis said “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I’m changing the things I cannot accept”. This is a very deep perspective. I have always believed that we need to accept the things we cannot change; that we must learn to give up control when things are beyond our control. I still believe that. But Ms. Davis’ perspective has allowed me to give new thought to “things” versus people. We know we can’t change other people. I believe that we can develop our ability to communicate, confront, ask for what we need and hope to get that. However, the person from whom we request changed behavior must put in some work. If that person is able to make changes, the mission is accomplished. If not, we often have to work on ourselves to determine what we may be able to shift within ourselves in order to live with limitations of the other; determine if what the other does have to offer is acceptable or beneficial. Life is a tradeoff. We are always going to meet challenges in relationships. We need to accept that there are aspects, traits, characteristics, behaviors of others that we are unable to control. I believe Ms. Davis is encouraging us to take control of our own lives. And that, I am on board with. What do you want to change?
 Many folks look forward to the holidays as a festive occasion and an opportunity to spend some quality time with loved ones. Others do not. The holidays can bring a level of pressure: there’s a shared consensus that it’s something you SHOULD enjoy: buying , preparing, social engagements, etc. There are also a lot of expectations that come with holiday time. What are yours? Stress can accompany these expectations, and one’s personal history with holiday experiences can color one’s outlook. You may be reminded of unhappy childhood experiences, expectations, disappointments, even trauma. Maybe current family relationships are still stressful. Family dynamics are complicated and complex. The anticipation itself can create a drop in our baseline mood.
Gifts can be ascribed to powerful components: We tend to measure our value by the gifts we receive or don’t receive. Maybe you are going to be judged for what you bought for someone else. Will they like it? Will they think you’re frugal? Or, you may assess someone’s expression of care or love for you by the gift you receive. Can you modulate your expectations? Is there another lens through which to “weigh” your gifts? Maybe the time spent considering what to give or get that you may not be privy to. Someone’s financial status – or just gift giving not being someone’s thing. Remember, we all have different love languages. A gift is not always a symbol of the measurement of one’s love. Isolation can be an overwhelming feeling during the holidays with feelings of loneliness. Folks may be mourning the loss of loved ones – either those who aren’t with us anymore through death or broken relationships. Social anxieties and depression can make the holiday season quite challenging. WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
I know that some of my suggestions are easier said than done. I encourage you to find something that you can live with – something that may make you comfortable – and this takes planning and forethought. Generally, I’m all about getting comfortable with the discomfort. Not now. GET COMFORTABLE. Find out what that is for me. Remember that you got through the holidays before, and if this is your time with difficult holidays, you have gotten through some other challenging times – and so you will get through this too. If you’re someone who does enjoy the holidays – you are very lucky. And maybe, just maybe you want to consider sharing that joy with someone you know may be struggling. It is after all, a time of giving.  #MeToo #TimesUp #BelieveWomen, we’ve all heard of these all-too familiar hashtags and movements. Why? Because sexual harassment and sexual assault is all too common and it has taken way too long for this social issue to rear its head with such force. 77% of women have experienced verbal sexual harassment, and 51% have been sexually touched without their permission. The numbers are staggering. We have reckoned with the Bill Cosbys, Harvey Weinsteins, Jeffrey Epsteins and so many other men who have abused their positions of power to subordinate and subjugate women. What happens when the lower profile men manipulate, dominate, groom, abuse or harass women and girls? I want to raise awareness of the devastating implication of our culture of sexism and the social construction of gender. We are breeding norms of behavior that perpetuate age-old stereotypes. It goes like this. In conversation with a friend recently, we were talking about my recent musings of my experiences with a long-standing male friend who demonstrated a subtle form of sexual misconduct (listen to podcast Episode #56 “An amoral game of seduction”). We were debating appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior when she related her 17 year old daughter’s report of her “creepy doorman” who told her “if only I were younger”. The implication was that he, a person of 50 or 60-something years of age, found her attractive. Her mother/my friend told her daughter not to make such a big deal out of it and it’s harmless. My reaction: this is where the problem begins. Our daughters, children, are socialized to be sexy and “cute” and “adorable” at a very young age. They should dance to Beyonce’s lyrics; twerk like Miley; and be preoccupied with their appearance. After all, girls are always admired for their prettiness, while boys are told how active, strong, and athletic they are. In addition to the grooming of girls to be valued for their appearance, they should simply shrug off inappropriate, denigrating, offensive, and violating attention or statements. We should be flattered by the attention or compliments. I understand that there is a broad stroke of cancel culture that we are contending with, where every reaction seems like an over-reaction but we must also acknowledge, support, and value the rustlings of discomfort that as women, we may experience. Sexual abuse does not have to be the end game. So, when my friend tells her daughter to shrug off or laugh off the doorman’s comment, she is sending a loud message; boys will be boys and just go with the flow. What her daughter and so many others need, is validation of their experience; the recognition that there is an injustice being served; and that women have the right to exercise their voice and let these men know that not only does “no mean no” but that it may just be incumbent on us to protect our personal boundaries by confronting even what may seem like the most benign of violations. That last sentence caused me to pause. Am I saying that women are responsible to educate men on social civilities? And that it’s a woman’s fault if she is violated? Absolutely not. But towards an effort to shift the power dynamic between genders, we can start by helping our children and daughter’s understand acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior, advocate for them, model the use of our voice, and create a baseline of zero tolerance.
I share my personal experience with unwanted sexual advances on Episode #56 of WWDMD.  There are many of us in the sandwich generation - balancing responsibilities of caregiving for children and aging parents. It is incredibly challenging and daunting. So many emotions and so much time and energy. Even if there are no children involved, it remains that the caregiving becomes an enormous task. There is so much to contend with - for both the aging parent and the caregiver. I’m going to start with the stress on the caregiver. Whether you are working full-time or not, the emotional aspect of seeing your parent physically and/or emotionally decline - the one who had the answers - who was a guiding force - who supported you into your adult life, is a monumental loss. Accepting that they aren’t who they once were, physically, cognitively or both, often leads to reprimanding them, feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and even depression. Once some physical distance (such as after a visit or time spent in the home) has been created, the guilt sets in. How could I have treated him/her like that? It’s OK. It’s human, and it’s normative, and it’s really really hard. The goal of course is to have more empathy, but the reality of the burden and the loss often overwhelms the ability to be empathic. If there has been a historically conflictual relationship with the aging parent it can be even more stressful and confusing. I know when my mother developed dementia she would often say “you never told me that” when she could not remember something I said. Upon reflection, I would hope to provide more compassion and empathy resulting in a response of “ok”. But most of us respond with “I already told you… remember?” This is of no help as it only makes the parent aware of their deficiency and leaves them feeling less than. But when their cognitive losses are less clear (perhaps that stage where they haven’t been diagnosed yet and you’re not sure what is happening) and there is a history of conflict, it’s easy to get bogged down in trying to figure out whether the behavior is rooted in a cognitive deficit or may just be a repetitive extension of the parent’s typical behavior. For me, my mother would often say something hurtful and then deny she said it, leading me to question my own perception of reality. So for me, this occurrence of “you never told me that” was a trigger. We do the best we can. Both ourselves, and our parents. So here’s the empathy for the parent: can you imagine what it is like to regress to childlike stages? To need assistance for common everyday practices; to not remember what you don’t remember; to not be able to piece together parts of your life; your daily activity; to depend on your children of whom you are supposed to caregive? This is a cruel life transition. It is extremely difficult to reconcile both physically and emotionally, for all involved. Be kind to yourself. And be kind to your parents. They did and are doing the best they can.
Most of my work is about change. Making change. Taking risks. Meeting challenges. Confronting fears. Dealing with transitions, relationships, loss. Folks often feel stuck and want to feel better; more at ease; attain a sense of satisfaction. But here’s the rub: you cannot become what you want to be if you are too attached to what you have been. Making change takes hard work. I wish it was easy as Nike’s slogan “just do it”. We all wish we could just “do it” but our fears and insecurities often intrude. And whatever point we are in life – if it’s not satisfying or happy – it is familiar. Familiarity is very comforting even if it’s uncomfortable. It’s about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable- and making the uncomfortable more comfortable. Making change takes risk. It’s scary and requires vulnerability. That’s a major tradeoff to what might come. “Might” is the operative word because there are no guarantees of outcome. We can stay with the familiar and know what we know. Or, we can take risks. Whether the risk leads to satisfaction/happiness or not, you will gain wisdom; the ability to learn from it. It may even get you closer to what you want. And, if it doesn’t turn out as you hoped, you can always try something new again. There is a way out because we create our own stuckness.
 What does it mean to be authentic, and do we have the same expectations of others that we have of ourselves? To me, authenticity means being genuine - at times, transparent. Some folks think it’s also about always being true to ourselves. So, as a clinician that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to “tell it like it is” with my clients. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not being genuine. It just means that I’m choosing my words carefully. Sometimes, my knowledge of something - or an interpretation, and understanding - is not ripe to be shared. Sometimes, my thoughts may not be beneficial to my client; I’ve had to learn to refrain from saying anything that just comes to mind. That’s part of the art of being a therapist. As I always say, who exactly is it serving to share what I’m thinking? Well, what if we put that philosophy into action in our personal lives. Why does that feel so much harder to do? Imagine refraining from sharing your true feelings with your partner, your friend, your aquaintance all the time. Isn’t there “a time and a place” where your words will be better received? Is there “a time” to keep some thoughts to yourself? Consider this: do you really want folks to be transparent with you? That means not only the positive feedback but the negative. It means uncensored feelings and responses. Being authentic is a catch-all. Yes, be true to yourself, but not at the cost of someone else. Can you also imagine being freer/authentic with your positive feelings? Being able to offer compliments as you see them. Being able to offer genuine support and validation. Being able to align yourself with someone’s pain rather than refute it? Caring authentically. I think being authentic is about being as genuine as we can - pure-hearted. Well-meaninged. Kind. Honest. Adhering to the fundamental values of humanity. To. The. Best. of. Our. Ability. If you want to hear more on this subject, check out podcast episode #35 Being Your Authentic Self  How do you feel about differences? I mean, really feel? I know we are prone to say that we welcome any and all - but do you really feel that? Believe that? I want to challenge you - to consider the biases you hold. Without judgment. But it’s a reality. We all have them. And I’m not exempt. So, as with many things, the first piece of the process is self-reflection. And then acceptance. It doesn’t make us bad people. It’s just a tradition, a part of our culture, that has been embedded in us from day one: to “other”. This is about treating someone or a group of people who are different in some way as though they are “less than”. Othering is based on how we perceive and treat those who are viewed as being part of the in-group versus those who are seen as being part of the out-group. We may not be aware that these are based on our unconscious assumptions but our American culture continuously reinforces the idea that difference is not ok. We should conform: look alike, dress alike, think alike, have the same abilities, etc.
Think about your ability to accept those who look different than you (skin tone, style of dress); think differently than you (religion, politics); have different skills than you (work, education). Now that you may agree that you do have these thoughts (again, we all do), what do you want to do about it? How will you begin to address this? Do you feel ready? Do you feel a responsibility to work on this? People are judging you as well. Don’t we all want acceptance? But I would like us to go beyond acceptance - though that’s a first grand step! The place I envision is being able to embrace difference: wanting to learn more about it. Asking is ok! Be curious. Welcome discussions. Welcome others asking you about your difference and feel pride rather than defensive. Don’t shy away from relationships with folks who look different than you; move towards them. Take risks. Put yourself in new situations. Talk to folks you ordinarily wouldn’t. Open your world. If you want to learn more on the topic of diversity, check out podcast episodes #36 & #41. |
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