​Resilience is about the capacity for people to overcome adversity. Sibling abuse is a traumatic event – or series of events – in one’s life. Although there are long-term repercussions of abusive victimization, particularly at the hands of a sibling, there is evidence to suggest that survivors have the ability to mitigate the negative effects of adversity.

An important factor regarding an individual’s resilience is the availability of emotional support, particularly during childhood and early adulthood. Although most survivors of sibling abuse receive limited emotional support from their families while growing up and develop little social capital outside of the home during childhood, others develop resources that provide them with support and hope. Those children who are able to cultivate supportive relationships outside of their homes with peers, mentors, extended family members, or parents of friends, are able to experience a sense of safety and self-value absent in their home environment.
Some survivors find relief, hope, and a sense of worth through relationships with extended family members. Adults who show interest in a victim’s life experiences are reparative. Comfort is found in experiencing genuine love and interest and part of a family in a way that was not available in survivors’ own home.
Ideally, a child should feel that he or she is a member of a cohesive family that is able to provide support in the face of life’s challenges. Victims of sibling abuse lack not only support in the home, they also generally are not involved in meaningful experiences outside of the home that help them develop a sense of competence, mastery, and importance. Children raised in abusive home environments are generally not involved in activities that promote self-confidence, and this promotes a sense of isolation. However, those who do engage in extra-familial outlets report that the social and creative activities support resilience. These outlets – art, music, sports - not only provide emotional release but also help survivors establish a sense of community and receive much needed attention.

Resilience should be achievable at any point in life. Survivors of sibling abuse do not escape pain or long-lasting problems because of their experiences. Yet, many exposed to high risk because of sibling abuse are able to attain competence, build community, and achieve success and generativity in adulthood.
The most important single survival factor for resiliency in abused children is the presence of at least one person who provided unconditional positive regard. For survivors of sibling abuse, this person proved to be their therapist. When parents take victims of sibling abuse to therapy during childhood, victims interpret the problem lying within them. However, when the choice is made as an independent adult to seek therapy, survivors experience the therapist as the only nonjudgmental and accepting adult who validated the sibling abuse. Therapists promote resilience by helping survivors develop the capacity to make decisions, engage in other relationships, and detach emotionally from the abusive sibling. Although therapy could constitute a protective factor, the choice survivors make to capitalize on this resource is a manifestation of their resiliency. 

Children who are abusive during childhood may remain abusive throughout the adult sibling relationship. Some survivors choose to cut ties with their siblings or parents in an effort to achieve self-protection. This decision is complex, because these adults sacrifice their connection to their families in order to avoid the abusive sibling. Cutting off can include creating geographic distance from one’s family of origin, rarely visiting with family, or staying in physical contact with family but avoiding emotionally close relationships. Devastated by the loss, survivors still identify cutting off as promoting a sense of safety and an aspect of moving forward. While emotional distance from trauma and the traumatizing participants allows for reparation, recovery also requires a mourning process: mourning of an “ideal” sibling relationship; mourning the quality of relationships with caregivers -- mourning for what could have been; mourning for what should have been.  There is hope for overcoming traumatic experiences such as sibling abuse. Supportive relationships and building one’s ego do contribute to resilience. In order to find, seek, or accept supportive relationships, it often begins with a relationship to a therapist. Therapy can be quite curative, and begins with feeling entitled to unconditional positive regard.
LISTEN TO A SURVIVOR'S STORY on WHAT WOULD DR. MEYERS DO podcast.

What are some reasons a child may become a bully?
There are numerous and perhaps well-known reasons why a child may become a bully: they are easily frustrated and have a short temper; they do not respond well to authority; they view violence positively; they feel insecure and bully to compensate for their insecurities. However, studies have also found that bullying occurs from children who have high self-esteem and are often popular. Therefore, it is important to recognize that there may not be a generic answer across the board. Each child needs to be recognized as an individual. A child's unique circumstances can contribute to the act of bullying. It is important to consider the home environment as one factor in which the bullying behavior may be learned, and potentially controlled. Although peers are a major influence in the developing child's manner of interaction, the family environment plays a critical role in creating a culture of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Parental modeling of aggressive behavior and the choice of disciplinary measures may influence the child to act-out '" or displace '" his/her aggression on peer substitutes with whom he/she may reign. Similarly, the sibling relationship is paramount in serving as a model for peer interaction. Sibling relationships help to cultivate a preferred manner of relating and distinct style of communication. While sibling rivalry can foster competition, cooperation and negotiation, sibling abuse elicits problems in interpersonal relationships . When sibling abuse occurs and it is not addressed in the home, the child who is the abuser may continue to enforce his/her 'status'/role amongst peers.
Tips for parents in preventing your child from becoming a bully
1. Be an involved and aware parent. Know your child.
2. Communicate. The ability of parents to communicate with their child is key. Communication needs to be established early in the parent-child relationship. Always ask how your child is doing in school and not only in the realm of academics. Get to know their friends and the quality of these friendships.
3. Help your child develop empathy. Children who bully tend to be less empathic. Help to develop your child's emotional intelligence through modeling, communication, and sensitivity.
4. Discipline with judgment, not emotions. Studies have found that parents of bullies tend to have an authoritarian parenting style . When a child is in need of discipline, parents should match the punishment with the crime. In other words, make sure that a child is not overly penalized. Through an overly harsh and punitive approach a child learns through modeling that bullying is an acceptable manner of relating and communicating.
5. Limit-set. Parents of bullies may be overly permissive. It is important to create structure, create boundaries, and let your child know your limits.
6. It takes a village. Get involved in your child's school. Parents can work with the administrators of their childrens’ school to enhance the social and emotional functioning of children in the school climate. Schools must not allow bullying to occur. They have a moral responsibility (and in some states a legal responsibility) to effectively respond to, and prevent its occurrence."
What can a parent do if their child is already acting like a bully?
1. It may be unrealistic to expect that a parent will have a strong effect on a child with whom there has not been open communication. Therefore, ensure that as a parent, you have set a precedent of communication.
2. Don't overlook bullying as a typical experience, or as normal. Although it may be tempting to absolve a child through rationalizing their behavior, it is important that both the child '" and the parent '" take responsibility. On the other hand, blaming a child '" or yourself '" will not serve anyone.
3. Monitor your child's facebook site and internet use. Cyberbullying is on the rise. Know your child's activity.
4. Be curious. Be self-reflective. What might have led your child to act out in this way? What is the behavior representing? In other words, can you start to identify what the bullying may be communicating? If so, talk to your child about that.
5. Know that there are long-term implications for children who bully. Seek psychotherapy: getting help early will prevent future problems. A psychotherapist can help your child manage his/her behavior and help you learn how to communicate with your child." Remember that hurt people hurt people.

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So many of us are “worriers”. And if you’re not a worrier, I’m sure you have worried about various situations, circumstances, or people. There is often cause for worry - and it may be important to be worried because that can motivate action to problem-solve. However, there are also those who can  be consumed by worry, or even create their own worry. I find that when there are risks involved, and usually risk to your own ego, we expend a lot of energy worrying and fearing the outcome of our risk-taking. We feel vulnerable. For example, I do a lot of public speaking which I have learned is the #1 fear in America. So we can take some comfort in knowing we are not alone in this fear! Over the years with a lot of practice and nerves still in play, I became less and less worried about the anticipation of what “could” happen. First, I had to confront my insecurity and lack of confidence but this is something I had to tolerate while I was in the midst of numerous presentations. I knew my reaction or anticipatory anxiety was largely due to feeling inadequate, but I also knew that this was going to take time to work out. And I didn’t have time, because the pressures to present - either self-created or through work expectations - didn’t allow for time. I had to sit with my own discomfort - and it was a lot of discomfort. I did realize that after a few times, it got easier to stand in front of an audience. But what hadn’t yet been addressed was the tremendous amount of time I put into preparation. I believed that the more I prepared, the more I would have a grasp of the material and the more that would increase my confidence. And that was certainly true. What it didn’t help with, was the fears around how the audience would receive me. Many of my clients and students report similar feelings. After much observation, of myself, and many other folks, I realize that a lot of worry is “wasted”. On the one hand, it can propel you into embracing risks and feeling the success of working hard to combat a feeling and gaining recognition. On the other hand, maybe it doesn’t have to take over one’s emotional energy to the point of inducing one’s OWN anxiety. Think about something that brings you much worry. Perhaps something consistent (as opposed to a real life situation that warrants such). 
Are you a glass half-full person? Are you half-empty? Recognize your general outlook and consider your thought patterns. Are you someone who catastrophizes? Or is your worry about your self-esteem? 
There are several different types of negative thought patterns: 

• Black and white thinking. This type of thinking has no middle ground or gray. It’s all or nothing negative thinking. “I’m going to fail”
• Overgeneralizing. There is one negative experience and it’s going to hold true every time. “I failed the assignment, I’m never going to graduate”.
• Focusing on the negative and ignoring the positives. Focus is on all the things that went wrong rather than the positive aspects of the strengths you possess. It’s believing that you are all bad when you have one imperfect incident.
• Undoing the positives. “She just told me I’m smart because she has to, she’s my mother!”
• Catastrophizing. Thinking about the worst case-scenario. “There is traffic. There must be a fatal car crash”.
• Shoulds and shouldn’ts. Having a strict sense of right and wrong or ways of behaving. There is no room for flexibility or pleasure. “I danced all night. I probably won’t be able to function tomorrow”.

Whichever the case, it’s important to:

1. Try deep breathing. It really does work. Mindfulness and meditation practices too.
2. Actively interrupt your worrying. Rather than allowing yourself to get sucked into it, intentionally distract yourself. We tend to embrace it because it’s familiar. But you need to break the cycle.
3. Remind yourself of the positive feedback you have received from folks.
4. Ask yourself what evidence do you have that the outcome will not be good
5. Journal and challenge your thought pattern. Remember ABCD. 
   1. identify the Activating event (what is causing the worry)
   2. identify your Belief about the event
   3. identify your belief about the Consequence of the event
   4. Dispute the consequence (what evidence do you have for “C”)

We expend so much energy on things we can’t control, and things that often turn out OK. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Although sibling rivalry and sibling abuse are terms often used interchangeably, they are distinct experiences.  Sibling abuse is characterized by behavior that poses danger – both explicit and implicit – to one child: physically, emotionally, or both. The ramifications on the victim of an enduring aggressive and assaultive sibling relationship have both short-term and long-term repercussions. 
Clinicians need to be mindful of the developmental and emotional influence of the sibling relationship, and as such, the nature and quality of this relationship should be assessed to the same extent of parent-child relationships.
There are environmental factors outside of the family that may increase the likelihood of sibling on sibling aggression such as substance abuse, peer bullying, and low self-esteem. However, sibling abuse tends to develop from certain family conditions that create resentment and hostility between children. Most parents are upset to learn that sibling abuse occurs under their roof; they may be unable to manage the behavior; or they may feel helpless to address it. Additionally, parents may report that their child is also abusing them. 
Assessment of the presence of sibling abuse can begin with the following:
                  Is there abusive behavior between the parent(s) and child(ren)?
Sibling abuse is more likely to occur when parent-child abuse is present. However, sibling abuse exists in all homes, even where there is no evidence of child abuse or domestic violence. It occurs across irrespective of race, culture, religion, geographic location, and socioeconomic status. 

              Do the parents argue with each other and their children in a “healthy” manner?
Children learn how to manage conflict by observing disagreements and conflict between parents and through the interactions parents have with each child. Learn how discipline and conflict are handled in the family system. Is a range of emotions from the children acceptable? Are the parents able to manage and tolerate challenging behavior and intensity of emotion?

               Pay attention to the child’s peer relationships.
Children who have challenging peer relationships are apt to bring this behavior into the home – as either a perpetrator or victim of sibling abuse. A child bullied at school may displace his/her anger onto a sibling. If the child is the target of peer bullying he may be prone to victimization in the home. 

              Take a child’s complaints and expressions of distress seriously.
If a child is complaining about a sibling’s behavior towards him/her, monitor the relationship. If the child is scared of being alone with his/her sibling or finds reasons to stall coming home from school, ask if he/she feels safe at home. Often, children abused by a sibling will seek refuge at a friend’s house or get involved in after-school activities as a way to avoid being home until parents arrive from work.

             Do children have adult responsibilities in the home?
Children should not be in the position of caregiver. Sometimes parents are overwhelmed and need help with tasks. That is ok! However, children should not serve as a substitute spouse. Children, especially from single-parent homes, tend to be burdened with the care giving of younger siblings. This breeds resentment. While children may seek positive reinforcement – and are praised – for being a “mother’s helper”, they have the ability to grow up resentful of taking on that role. Again, displaced anger onto a sibling is apt to occur.

            Is favoritism evident in the household?
Granted, each child cannot be treated the same all the time. However, it is important for caregivers to recognize the strengths of each child. Favoritism can create hostile sibling relationships. Whether the perpetrator of abuse or the victimized child is favored, both dynamics warrant potential sibling aggression. When a child experiences his/her sibling as favored, he/she may react by mistreating the sibling. When a child is favored, the sense of entitlement may create a dynamic in which roles are blurred and boundaries are crossed; often time this is represented through the child who takes it upon him or herself to “discipline” the sibling (in favor of a parent’s praise or modeling the parent’s behavior).

Children who are victims of sibling abuse may present with anxiety, depression, or academic difficulties.  Interventions must target not only the presenting problem, but the source of the problem. Assessment of parent-child and child-child relationships is critical. Understanding family dynamics is imperative to helping parents identify behaviors that may promote or perpetuate hostile sibling relations.

Adults with a history of sibling abuse often present to treatment with challenging interpersonal relationships and may be unaware of their history as abusive due to the lack of recognition sibling abuse has received as a legitimate experience. Therefore the clinician who explores current and early sibling relationships has the potential to uncover the dynamics which contribute to the client’s challenges and help the client make these connections.

Practitioners who provide counseling services and psychotherapy to children and families have the potential to transform dysfunctional familial patterns of communication and help parents develop better parenting practices. The structural model of family therapy focuses on helping parents to develop and maintain appropriate boundaries within the family system and between siblings. Building on individual and family strengths promotes protective factors and establishing  family and environmental supports promotes resilience, ensuring that children are kept safe from all types of harm within the family system.

To learn more about how to assess for sibling abuse, check out podcast episode #25 titled "Sibling Abuse Assessment".

For 30 years I have been a psychotherapist in private practice, beginning in outpatient mental health clinics and various fields of social work including a Big Brother/Big Sister program. At Big Brother/Big Sister, I worked with and assessed many children and adolescents who were victims of bullying, as well as adults who carried the scars of emotional denigration from childhood. I have observed through my teaching at a University that there is an inclination for students to be drawn to peer groups that feel or look similar, creating an atmosphere at times of “cliques” and unintentional exclusion of peers who may not have the confidence to reach out or assert themselves. And of course, I was once an awkward adolescent navigating the elements of popularity and desire to fit in, often time without success. In fact, I was bullied. In our culture, one of the most commonplace forms of denigration occurs through bullying and this experience during such vulnerable stages of development poses serious implications. The question becomes how do we prime our children to be good citizens and set the stage for developing their ability to empathize, be kind, self-confident and contribute towards a culture of acceptance?  
There are many factors that can contribute to a child bullying others or becoming a victim of bullying. We need to construct a culture of acceptance of ourselves and those we teach in the home or in schools during this most difficult time where we seem to find what’s wrong with others as opposed to what’s right.
Bullying hurts. We all know that. Life at times can feel like a continuum of trying to find one’s place in the world. We are consistently subjected to feedback on how we are perceived by others, and most of us are quite impacted by those perceptions. In fact, we tend to internalize/”take in” the perceptions others have of us, and make them our own. In other words, we believe what we are told or how we are treated. Interestingly, we are more prone to adopting the negative perceptions and dismissing the positive ones. Consider our culture of women in which a compliment is often undone with an excuse or explanation rather than an acknowledgement and appreciation. For example, how many of us can relate to the theme of being praised for our dress and our response is “this was very inexpensive” or “I don’t even like this shirt” rather than simply responding with a “thank you”. We may be able to trace this common response back to a society in which women were taught to be submissive; subservient, and if we acknowledge a personal strength or attribute it is aligned with boasting or not being humble.
As a psychotherapist, I am struck by the numerous people, predominantly women, I have treated over the years who are challenged by “what others think”. Granted I have not treated as many men as women, though I can say with conviction, that this is not as prominent an underlying issue or obstacle to interpersonal happiness or self-satisfaction. 
We do all have childhood experiences that shape us as adults: shape our sense of self, our view of others, and of the world. Is it a safe place? Is it a threatening place? Am I a good, likable, personable, fun, smart… person? To feel safe when one has had a childhood filled with unhappy, challenging, or conflictual interpersonal experiences (such as bullying), requires replacing negative “voices'' with positive ones. I would like to be clear that those “voices” do not have to literally be spoken. Much of the time messages of acceptance or nonacceptance are sent to us non-verbally. We know when someone disapproves of us either through physical force, name-calling, facial gestures, or simply rejection in its various forms such as exclusionary behavior. Positive “voices” can also come from others, and this can be the start of healing; truly hearing and/or feeling the way you are being received. Or, it can come from cognitive dissonance, which involves the active self-talk of disputing our own irrational thoughts. 
As part of our life-course, everyone is trying to find their place in the world. Research has demonstrated the challenge of “fitting in” at the most complicated time of identity development; middle school and high school. According to Erik Erikson, during this stage of development experiences of positive reinforcement are critical to developing a secure sense of self. During adolescence, teenagers explore their personal sense of identity through values, appearance, and taking risks. When an individual achieves feelings of pride and accomplishment, they are likely to emerge from this stage with a steady state of confidence. This results in feelings of independence and control. Erikson emphasized our development through social interaction. When an adolescent is bullied, they will likely remain unsure of their beliefs and desires and feel insecure and confused about themselves and the future. Because our identity is shaped by our interpersonal experiences, it is essential to develop positive social interactions from a young age. Yet, how are social interactions developed positively?
When a parent has children, they tend to have ideas about the values they want to impart and they are usually aware of the protectiveness they feel; the “mamma bear syndrome”: no one, ever, will harm my child. Not to be confused with helicopter parenting , in which a parent is overzealously controlling in a protective manner or smothering.  “Mamma bear syndrome” is the nurturing, loving instinct to protect one’s child. Despite the reality that we cannot manage every aspect of our child’s experience, we can strive to instill perspectives and perceptions and values, and build character that will arm our children with the ability to manage outside influences. We have to accept that we cannot control every interaction a child has. We must learn to let go and trust. And, we can hope to correct or pick up the pieces of “damage” that we may learn of later. What we do have control over, in the name of developing that sense of protectiveness, is the following: modeling appropriate behavior; conveying empathy and developing empathy in your child; and creating appropriate social interactions beginning at home. I will post a follow-up blog on the shaping aspects of development that parents do have control over. 

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There are personal characteristics, temperaments and disorders that may increase the likelihood of sibling abuse perpetration such as substance abuse, low empathy, and anger. As well, experiences with peer bullying, and low self-esteem have been known to be linked. There are also family conditions that can create resentment and hostility between children and lead to sibling abuse. Most parents are upset to learn that sibling abuse occurs under their roof; they may be unable to manage the behavior; or they may feel helpless to address it. Additionally, parents may report that their child is also abusing them. It is important to recognize multiple variables within a family that can unintentionally create hostile sibling relations. 

1. Children as caregivers

Sometimes parents are overwhelmed and need help with tasks. That is ok! However, children should not serve as a substitute spouse or parent. Children, especially from single-parent homes, tend to be burdened with the caregiving of younger siblings. This breeds resentment and the child is apt to displace his/her anger onto a sibling. Additionally, the child caregiver feels entitled to utilize a sense of authority that they are not prepared for.

     2. Favoritism  Granted, each child cannot be treated the same all the time. However, it is important for caregivers to recognize the strengths of each child. Whether the perpetrator of abuse or the victimized child is favored, both dynamics warrant potential sibling aggression. When a child experiences a sibling as favored, he/she may react by mistreating the sibling. 

​      3. Poor Parental Modeling & External Stressors When external environmental stressors, such as economic or social problems occur, parents who have difficulty controlling their emotions may act in ways that disturb the children. Parents who are consistently overwhelmed are not able to provide emotional support to their children. Some parents can’t tolerate a range or intensity of emotion in their children. These families often create a negative atmosphere of criticism, judgment, and abusive communication and lack appropriate modeling of stress reduction.

     4. Collusion In families where there is a single parent, or the parents are not unified in parenting customs, or there is stress between the caregivers, a parent can feel alienated. This can create an emotional reliance on a(n) older child to support the parenting role. As with a child who is a caregiver, the implicit role ordained sends a message that the child has the right to discipline, and that the parent will support whatever that child deems necessary. It can also appear as a special friendship or bond between one child and the parent whereby the isolated child feels ostracized and the abuse imparted by a sibling is supported by a parent, thus creating a “double whammy”.

Sibling abuse must be understood from a family systems lens. The existence of this abusive sibling relationship is indicative of (not necessarily active and intentional) parental neglect and is a symptom of dysfunctional family processes. Identifying the abused child as the problem or even the perpetrator can inadvertently cause the children to feel victimized and targeted rather than helped. It’s important to recognize that Intervention must address both the members of the family system and the system as a whole.