SAYING GOODBYE TO AN UNSATISFYING FRIEND(SHIP)

 
Having friends is wonderful. What happens when dear, beloved, long-term friendships are no longer satisfying? It may be time to say good-bye. Similar to a romantic breakup, there are always aspects of someone that are hard to let go. People aren’t inherently good or bad, we are complex. And as such it can make it quite difficult to “break up”. We don’t want to lose the good parts of someone, and therefore we may have the tendency to continue – or drag out – a relationship with more than unsatisfying components, but potentially destructive to our well-being. Letting go of someone is not an easy choice. And it’s not something most of us take lightly. What happens when letting go means letting go of someone with a long-shared history, that childhood friend or friend that you shared so much with, whether its experiences, growing up, or even great fun or meaningful, deeply personal conversations? If the good outweighs the bad, you may need to learn how to navigate those sore spots. Everyone has limitations. Is it possible we need to accept people with their flaws? I believe so. If you’re someone who finds that hard, you may want to reflect on your own expectations: are they fair? Do they represent earlier disappointments? Are you trying to have someone else meet your needs? Do you make poor choices? Are you repeating earlier family or peer dynamics that do not serve you but are comfortable because it's familiar? Or, is it uncomfortable yet the familiarity makes it oddly comfortable? And now, there is a rub, because you have grown and want more for yourself? You need to assess what is workable – what may be communicated and have potential to shift – or what you need to accept vs. what is truly not healthy for you. Then, you can make a decision as to keeping this person in your life, or not. Once this decision is made, if the result is “it’s them not you”, you need to take care of yourself. And if that means that you don’t get enough out of this relationship to meet some of your own needs, you may need to move on. And then the mourning takes place. Letting go of long-term or beloved relationships is not easy. As in a romantic relationship, sometimes being the one who does the breaking up is also painful. It’s still a loss even though the feelings may be mixed with relief. And ending a friendship also is not always “clean”; it comes with mixed emotions and a need to grieve the loss. When you decide it’s time, allow yourself to grieve, and take solace in the fact that you are also making room for new, healthy, satisfying relationships to come your way.

​

---