ahhh, silence

1/24/2023

I saw a magnet that said “I’m sorry I slapped you, but you wouldn’t stop talking and I panicked”. Yikes. Sounds harsh, and certainly not subtle. But I want to speak to the subtle part of that message. Some people like to talk… a lot; and some people are listeners. But EVERYONE wants to be heard and understood.
It sounds so easy. Just let someone talk; air their thoughts; feel heard. But it’s not so easy! We want to show we get it, so what do we tend to do? We interrupt with our own thoughts; we cut off the person; we relate something we experienced that may be similar; and we try to comfort by offering a silver lining. All of this tends to fall flat, and leaves the person feeling deflated. Sitting with someone in their discomfort, their pain, their truth ain’t easy! Practice, practice, practice. Offering your silence is a gift like no other.
So consider this: what gets in your way of simply sitting with the person, remaining attuned and attentive?
Do you think the person expects something from you? Are you uncomfortable with what is being shared?
Is it stirring up feelings in you - sadness, anger, identification? Is it hard to sit with their feelings? How are you at handling your own strong feelings?
Holding - and I mean emotional holding - is so powerful. It requires sitting with our own discomfort in order to be there for the other person. So first, identify what’s uncomfortable for you - and then work on managing that.
Check out this discussion in full on the WWDMD episode #14 entitled “The Art of Empathy and Silence”

16 Comments

Danielle DelVecchio

3/11/2023 01:54:37 pm

I feel silence can be so difficult for both parties involved. Personally, I struggle with silence because I feel the person speaking expects something from me whether that be advice, validation, or filler commentary. I feel if I don't say something the person will think I was not listening or that I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I think this could stem from personal experiences or even my ADHD. I have thought that because I'm naturally "inattentive" at times that I need to overcompensate when speaking with someone. I think your suggestions of emotional holding and identifying what makes it uncomfortable are great methods that I will try to incorporate. I think my other lens to this would be the client's thoughts and feelings, which I feel relate to the transference I mentioned earlier. I have heard from someone in the client perspective that they don't like when their therapist is silent and does not contribute to what they are actively saying or expressing. This could be individual based, but I can understand what this person means. I feel there is a balance and it's up to us to identify where moments of silence are necessary and when we need to contribute in an alternate way. In a way, I apply this person's mindset to my own overthinking of am I not doing enough by remaining silent in certain moments? I also wonder is there an opportunity to address why we have moments of silence with an individual? What if the individual/client is not comfortable with this? And how can one navigate through this aspect?

Amy Meyers

4/14/2023 12:36:43 pm

Danielle,
I think you raise a great point about when to use silence. Of course it depends on the situation and with whom you are sitting. It's important to know whether you are filling the silence or overcompensating for your own experiences with ADHD or whether the client can really use the silence. You also references a client who doesn't like silence - so if this person can't tolerate it, it may not be useful. On the other hand, he/she may need a moment to sit with her anxiety and learn from that what may be going on for him/her and what the silence conjures up or represents. It's ok to explore how it feels to the client/other person.

Jessica Garcia-Pocasangre

4/2/2023 05:35:16 pm

It was hard to hold my thoughts to the end reading the blog. I am that person in the magnet. I talk and talk well; in my case, people fall asleep on me, not slap me. But in actuality, this blog spoke to me regarding the questions Dr. Meyers asks, such as what gets in your way of simply sitting with the person, remaining attuned and attentive? I want to say so much to them, and it is a way I am helping them with my comments and thoughts. Or the one Is it hard to sit with your feelings? Yes, because I want to be able to express them and show it to them, but at the same time, I hold back because I care so much about what the other person would think or say depending on who the person is; of course, because if it someone I know like family it's easy for me to express it but if they're not it can be a bit a challenge for me. But this blog has taught me I need to spend more time in silence with myself to understand the art of empathy and silence.

4/14/2023 12:38:21 pm

So glad this is making you reflect, Jessica. It's the art of knowing when and where. And, as you say, when it can be helpful and for WHOM.

Jacqueline Romero

4/27/2023 10:27:30 am

I have mentioned before that I am a talker when it comes to my personal relationships and work relationships. However, I have noticed that I am a talker when I am comfortable, and when I am not comfortable, I am pretty silent. However, when it comes to a working in a group, I do not like the silent and would rather talk to keep it going rather than silence. Something that you said that stood out to me was sitting with your discomfort in order to be there for the other person. I often think about this because of my own personal experiences, and how strong my feelings would be in that moment- and how I would react to it, so the start with identifying and managing it is the beginning.

4/27/2023 05:38:31 pm

Definitely the place to start is identifying when you are being silent and why. What is coming up for your emotionally at those times... and learning how to self-talk with confidence.

Leora Keehn

10/2/2023 04:53:48 pm

I really have trouble with silence. I feel awkward and then I start fidgeting or spacing out. However, I also don’t like to talk and share things that make me vulnerable. So when it comes to dealing with potential clients, I definitely can relate more to the quieter ones. Everyone wants to be understood and wants their voices heard. I think it is important to take a step back and let them talk when they are ready. Pushing and prying too much is not the right answer. It isn’t an easy task, especially for someone who understands the feeling so much. However, I am excited to see how this plays out throughout my field work and practice being comfortable with silence. I really enjoyed all the insights this blog post had to offer.

Alyssa Trousdell

10/2/2023 07:26:54 pm

I think I’m more of a listener rather than a sharer but I do have a lot of opinions. I do notice when someone is talking to me I tend to use the words “yeah” and “mhm” often to show them I’m engaging and understanding. I think this is because growing up I often did sit with my own thoughts and was asked a lot if I was even paying attention. I feel like at times it is important to share our thoughts with others to let them know we are actively listening and can maybe even relate to them because it creates a sense of connection. But, I do agree sitting in silence with our own discomfort can be a positive for both ourselves and our client. This allows us to be more comfortable with the uncomfortable and offering our client that silence allows them to talk and be genuinely heard.

Samantha Barcia

10/3/2023 12:04:58 pm

As someone who is shy it's very ironic that I feel uncomfortable with silence. Being quiet most of my time you'd think I enjoy being in silence but that's not the case. I know silence can be a way of trying to process and think about what is going on. I feel like when there is too much silence I feel that something should be said because maybe the other person wants me to say something or the other way around. I know how it feels to want to be heard and this is important to me because I have had a lot of times where I felt no one was listening to me when being very vulnerable. I think I can show that I am engaged by nodding my head and say one word phrases to show I am engaged. Going back to the fact that I am one of the quiet type of people it is important that I should be ok with silence and let my clients start where they are at. Overall the moral is to become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Dr. Meyers

10/5/2023 03:12:54 pm

I'm not sure there is a disconnect between being shy and having a hard time sitting in silence. You said you'd think it would be easy. But sitting in silence often means sitting with oneself. And that can be hard with a lot of "noise" in one's head.

Diana

10/4/2023 11:11:52 pm

The importance of silence is something that is relatively new to me. I have learned the importance of my SW courses and through books and others. I have always tried to relate to others by sharing my experience or trying to say something to comfort the person. My awareness now helps me to not do it but it is hard for me and at times I catch myself right after I say the first word and then I try to hold back but it doesn't always work. In the professional aspect, I think it will be hard for me, not because I want to share but because the silence with a client makes me feel like I will be uncomfortable. I don't know if I keep looking at the client they will feel uncomfortable. I know I tend to overthink things therefore in the moment of silence I will be in my head thinking what is going through the client's head. I realize that becoming comfortable with silence will take practice. Listening to Anthony speak about his comfort with silence and the value silence brings to building a relationship with a client is inspiring. I want to work on being comfortable with silence in my personal relationships and definitely when I am in the professional field. I really like the phrase you use "When you speak know your purpose and your intention", I will try to remember this!

10/5/2023 03:18:57 pm

Thanks, Diana. You really captured the essence of this difficult positioning. You can always ask the client after a bit of silence what their thoughts are. There are also ways to silently communicate during silence to show the client you are with them.

Adriana Sevilla

10/10/2023 07:45:01 pm

Silence is something that I struggle with because my mind is always racing and having a noise to distract me or avoiding being in silence is something I always find myself doing. I think sitting in silence with a client might be extremely awkward and uncomfortable when you are new in the social work field especially because you want to seem knowledgeable or that you have something more to offer them. This is something that I have learned at my internship because as much as I like to engage and talk with clients there is beauty in staying silent and listening to what the client is saying and also what they are not saying. Many times I find myself caught up trying to think of what to say next or what is the appropriate way to respond to the client and what skills may be useful but I forget silence and empathetic listening is also a skill. I resonated a lot with what Stephanie said in the podcast and not wanting to let the client sit in the discomfort but it does have a lot to do with ourselves. During this process, I have to remind myself not to project my feelings onto the client and understand that our experiences at that moment may be different.

Amanda

10/12/2023 11:48:09 am

I resonated with this blog post because I get anxious in silence because in my head I am just thinking, “why isn’t anyone saying anything.” I need practice in this aspect because it definitely does not come naturally to me. I think along with listening attentively to the client even if that means just sitting with the client in silence. Th self-reflective questions that were mentioned in the blog seem like a great way to become self-aware in what causes you discomfort with silence. I will remember these when I begin working with clients. I hope to learn how to not be so uncomfortable with silence and become self-aware as to why silence causes discomfort so I could overcome it.

Angelina Sanchez

10/16/2023 10:41:57 am

Slowly but surely, I'm learning to accept silence. As an ambivert, I am able to maintain a decent balance between my tendency to talk and my willingness to let others speak. Silence, however, is not one of those alternatives. Since I myself find silence awkward, I never allow it to happen on purpose. So for example, when I find myself in a conversation where I am the listener and the other is venting and they suddenly pause or their sentence starts to drift, I'm quick to try and redirect them by asking where the point was going or try to get to the root of what's wrong. I'm not sure why, but as I was growing up, I was constantly in settings where if we weren't talking, there was music playing or some other background noise. I feel some type of comfort when there is sound, so in turn, I assume others do too. But as I learn more and more, offering silence as the other person sits in their feelings is okay too.

Leila Fatscher

10/16/2023 11:21:40 am

I personally struggle with silence because I feel that the other person expects something from me. I get into the mindset of thinking that they expect a response or a comment that will help them with their struggle. I have come to realize throughout my coursework is that the other person really just wants to be comforted and heard. Silence is important because sometimes a person might just need to feel that they are being heard. When you are silent it helps to create a space where the person feels like you are listening to them and it allows the client to verbalize what they are going through when they maybe don't have a place to voice their experience out loud. Silence is a tool that can help to acknowledge the weight of the clients situation and make them feel heard. Going forward I want to work on the uncomfortability of sitting with a clients experience knowing that there is no correct or expected response. I can do this by reminding myself that silence can be therapeutic for a client and it is important for me to practice in order to emotionally suport clients and others as well.

ahhh, silence

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