 Sometimes we can’t control how we are perceived. Often actually. Let’s acknowledge that we all want to be liked, to be thought of well, to be understood, and to be received in the way we intend to communicate. And based on our behavior, actions, and character, we can influence that to a point. Must everyone like us? Can we accept that we may not be for everyone? There may not be anything we can do about that. And that should be the first angle of taking the pressure off of you. Now, with loved ones, being perceived as our own reality – the way we perceive ourselves – and to be understood, is essential. We are invested in these relationships, and when conflict arises, we want to be fully understood and for our intentions to be fully received.
When I feel inflamed by a loved one who misunderstands me or my intentions, I want to correct their "mis" perception. I believe that is a normative response. Personally, I become very heated at the idea of being misperceived. What if we shifted our lens and adopted a new one that infuses empathy for the other person’s misconception? In other words, if they have a negative perception of you, it is they who have had to live with their negative thoughts. Consider this: I’m sorry they had to sit with that; that they had to think of you like that. What is being inferred? You’re not anything like they thought. This must have brought them distress. And now they can sit with that.
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 Conforming to what other people want or need… it doesn’t work. It cheats you of your own needs, and it cheats you of control. It cheats you of an identity. It cheats you of knowing your value. It sure can feel easier sometimes doing what others want/expect/need/ in an attempt to ward off rejection. Why do you often conform? Is it acceptance you seek? Love? Admiration? A desire to fit in? Because you are unsure? Because you aren’t good at making decisions? Because you feel obligated to make other people happy? Because you don’t want to disappoint? Because you are scared of anger, even your own?
What if you shifted your thinking around your fears with one simple idea: You don’t have the power to change someone else’s perception of you or their response to you. Oddly, you’re trying to control things by conforming. And it can be draining, even debilitating, trying to do so. Whether it’s college choice, choice of college major, career, an activity, joining an organization, or even the location of a vacation. Literally or through conforming behavior, don’t say to anyone else, “wherever or whatever you want”. Take control instead of giving it away. This doesn’t mean never giving in. It’s about knowing your worth. It’s about being true to yourself. It’s about being authentic. It’s about choosing you. Go ahead, you’re allowed. And get used to it, which may mean being uncomfortable until doing what you want becomes more comfortable. This ties into my previous blog titled “Changing others; Changing yourself”. As social workers, we are taught to treat others with dignity and worth. That doesn’t mean we have to be last in line. As with most things, if you want to model behavior for someone else, you have to be able to do it yourself first.  I have a theory: women are trying to work out life. And we do it differently than men. I’m not really sure how men do it, but I’ll tell you my observation - we do it by talking about the same thing over and over. And I mean for years. Relationships, weight, appearance, the key to happiness, child rearing, family goals, getting older, career satisfaction, where to live, where to retire. Life is about figuring out the puzzle. Piecing it all together. It starts with uncertainty. It continues with the search for self-identity. If we know who we truly are, our likes and dislikes, and could be fully confident in our choices, we wouldn’t have these circular, repetitive conversations. And where does that uncertainty come from? Emotions and perceptions are at play. Often, deep emotions that we don’t understand, or know from where they originate. But as I often say, we are complex beings. And we need to figure out who we are, what we want, separate our identity from the identity our parents imagined - or developed - or expected for us, and stave off societal construction and dictation of what’s acceptable or not - that’s a lot to contend with; a lot to unravel.
I’ve come to this: how many of us figure out life before we die? Sounds dramatic, maybe even dark. But maybe this is the key to life; the dance of life - most of us, or many of us, don’t figure it out - and few of us that do are those who have found true contentment - or know themselves, either in simplicity or profoundness. We are all works in progress - and some of us never stop growing, or reaching for growth. Some folks know themselves well, or may have figured it out, or don’t need much. Maybe there aren’t always answers, and yet life often feels like a predicament. I have travelled near and far - sat with friends over the years, had conversations with people I’ve only met once, walking with folks from all over the world for a couple of weeks at a time where conversations go deep quickly - and the theme remains: Relationships, weight, appearance, the key to happiness, child rearing, family goals, getting older, career satisfaction, where to live, where to retire. Maybe I’m the constant force of uncertainty that brings out these conversations. Or maybe, these are the questions of life. These thoughts stemmed from a recent philosophical state where I questioned if we ever figure out life before we die: finding out who we are, and growing into the person we want to be. It’s both frustrating and incredibly rewarding. For me, this means getting clarity on who I am, and striving towards fulfillment and self-actualization. But the path isn’t clean. And it’s certainly not always clear. Because life is a tradeoff: Don’t we always have to give up something to gain something? With all of its angst, not having all the answers means there is more ahead. Might it be boring otherwise?  Have you tried to change your parent(s), sibling, friend(s), lover, client, supervisor, etc? If they would just___ or just stop ____ things would be so much easier. You would be happier. If you hammer it into their head over and over, or if you call them out every time they commit an offense, or if you chastise them until you’re blue in the face… maybe, just maybe they will change. What if you shift your thinking: It’s empowering to realize you can control yourself. It’s the only thing you can fully manage. It’s harder than putting the focus on other people, but it’s also more rewarding because you can change. Any social worker or therapist knows that you can’t change clients who don’t want to change. Or if you’re working harder than them something is not right and needs to be looked at. Probably countertransference in fact. That’s because the only person that has the power to create change is the person themselves. However, we may be very invested in that other person changing, because it impacts us. And that’s what relationships are. Being in a relationship with another person - their behavior, moods, choices, perceptions, impacts us. And it’s hard! We are the ones who have to shift the effect on us of other people’s words and actions. And only we can do that.
Some of us spend a lifetime trying to change others. Let me give an example. I often lose my patience with my aging father. I can also lose empathy, which I have for pretty much all other aging adults. And I realize, it’s my fault. As my father loses his memory and blames me for not telling him things, or gets angry and irritated that I’m confusing in the way I’m communicating, I realize that he is frustrated with himself and needs to project on to me because otherwise his memory loss is too painful. That’s my revelation, also known as my intellectual understanding. However, emotionally, I’m triggered. Because I’ve always been blamed – whether it’s for a scratch on the wall or an argument with my brother. I have to separate the past from the present. And in doing so, I’m choosing ME. I’m taking back control from trying to change him. I am practicing being in the here and now and the idea that “he is who he is”. I often say these ideas are easier said than done. It requires practice and repetition. And then there’s therapy. Therapy helps to understand other people’s limitations. Therapy helps us figure out how we may be getting in our own way. Therapy helps us figure out what we need to take charge of to feel less upset, less resentful, angry, alone, and more fulfilled. Let go - of the negativity, the blame, and of being controlled by others. Remember, care what others think, but discern who it is and how much you value them. Care what others think, but give so much more power to the positive voices. Remember, that other people’s perceptions, choices, moods, behavior, is most often not about you.  Life is complicated. Relationships more so. As we get older, more informed, more versed in life experiences, and more complex, our expectations and needs of a partner become more complicated. Maybe this is why we should all meet our partner when we are ten years old. Dating when we’re young is fun and easy. When we’re 10, we just want to be able to sit next to someone we like. When we’re a teenager all we must know is that we have fun with our “person” and find them cute. And hopefully they treat us kindly. Simple as that. Then in our 20’s as we start the journey of self-discovery, we search for what may make us happy: Are they interesting? Smart? Do they come from a good home? Do they have goals? Are they willing to use birth control? In our 30’s we want to know: do they have those qualities and, are they emotionally stable; are they financially stable or working towards such? Do they have at least three letters after their surname? Do they treat their mother well? Do they have any sexually transmitted diseases? Do we have good sex? In our 40’s: Do we share the same values? Do they listen to me? Just how many exes do they have? Do they still have contact with their children? Have they ever been arrested? Do they have ambition? In our 50s: What are they cooking for dinner? Do they know where the trash is? Which side of the bed do they need? Are they a morning or night person? Do they have their own friends? How many times a week do I have to watch football? How many times a year are my in-laws coming over? Do they own a sports car? Are they going to a weekly poker game? Are they really traveling for work? Have they saved for retirement? In our 60s: Am I going to be a caregiver? Are they still able to travel? Do we have the same vision for retirement? Am I in the will?
How do you know if we’re with the right person? Or if we made the right choice? Does our relationship look similar to what is socially constructed through media? The grass is always greener syndrome. What am I sacrificing to be with this person? How does this person enhance my life? How much compromise is necessary? Do they complement me? Do we have the same interests? Different interests? How come my relationship doesn’t look like Mr. & Mrs. Brady; Dr. Huxtable & Claire; Ross & Rachel; Chuck & Blaire; Beth & Randall? One lesson I have learned over time is that we are not going to find every desired quality in one person. Maybe we should get back to the basics: Do I want to spend a lot of my free time with them? Do we laugh? Am I my true self with them? Are they my confidant? Is this the person with whom I want to share life experiences? Do I feel safe, cared for, loved? What’s important to you and what may you need to find common ground between what do I deserve and what is realistic?  Having friends is wonderful. What happens when dear, beloved, long-term friendships are no longer satisfying? It may be time to say good-bye. Similar to a romantic breakup, there are always aspects of someone that are hard to let go. People aren’t inherently good or bad, we are complex. And as such it can make it quite difficult to “break up”. We don’t want to lose the good parts of someone, and therefore we may have the tendency to continue – or drag out – a relationship with more than unsatisfying components, but potentially destructive to our well-being. Letting go of someone is not an easy choice. And it’s not something most of us take lightly. What happens when letting go means letting go of someone with a long-shared history, that childhood friend or friend that you shared so much with, whether its experiences, growing up, or even great fun or meaningful, deeply personal conversations? If the good outweighs the bad, you may need to learn how to navigate those sore spots. Everyone has limitations. Is it possible we need to accept people with their flaws? I believe so. If you’re someone who finds that hard, you may want to reflect on your own expectations: are they fair? Do they represent earlier disappointments? Are you trying to have someone else meet your needs? Do you make poor choices? Are you repeating earlier family or peer dynamics that do not serve you but are comfortable because it's familiar? Or, is it uncomfortable yet the familiarity makes it oddly comfortable? And now, there is a rub, because you have grown and want more for yourself? You need to assess what is workable – what may be communicated and have potential to shift – or what you need to accept vs. what is truly not healthy for you. Then, you can make a decision as to keeping this person in your life, or not. Once this decision is made, if the result is “it’s them not you”, you need to take care of yourself. And if that means that you don’t get enough out of this relationship to meet some of your own needs, you may need to move on. And then the mourning takes place. Letting go of long-term or beloved relationships is not easy. As in a romantic relationship, sometimes being the one who does the breaking up is also painful. It’s still a loss even though the feelings may be mixed with relief. And ending a friendship also is not always “clean”; it comes with mixed emotions and a need to grieve the loss. When you decide it’s time, allow yourself to grieve, and take solace in the fact that you are also making room for new, healthy, satisfying relationships to come your way. 
Sometimes I think about how being a woman in our culture is truly difficult. There are many reasons why: economy and labor, patriarchy, gender inequality, healthcare, reproductive rights, and violence. I want to hone in on body image. We, particularly we women, seem to be defined by our bodies. Our sense of self-worth is vastly impacted by how we appear, or how we think we appear. I think our society is to blame. Whereas many influences within the family system can contribute to body image issues, social media has played a significant role in perpetuating our assessment of perfection, or simply body satisfaction. I haven’t met any woman in my adulthood who is satisfied with their weight: from the very slim to the overweight person. A negative body image leads to low-self-esteem and depression. Research reveals that over 90% of women are unhappy with their bodies. I’m sure you have experienced this within yourself or with your peer group and friends: a repeated and familiar conversation about the need to lose weight and the undoing of any compliments given regarding appearance with a response of what needs to be fixed. My motto has become “easier said than done”. It’s my way of conveying empathy around this struggle, and it happens to be true. We all know there are things we would like to be different; things about ourselves we would like to change. But it can be very hard to just change. Yet we have to start. What would it look like to put the energy that we give to our bodily weight on to something else? How do you think you would spend that emotional energy elsewhere? Might the time you spend on assessing your appearance distract from something even harder (to process, to feel, to do? I propose that the real start to change is to uncover what the fear is regarding making the change, ie: fear of failure; fear of feeling good (yes that can be); fear of contending with other challenging feelings? Start the work on yourself. If we could “just do it”, we would have already. Go deep.  Do you ever feel there is a major movement in our society steering away from socialization? We had the pandemic which wreaked havoc on folks’ ability to be social. And now people are showing preference to working from home. In fact, many places of employment no longer have office space and prefer their employees to work from home. This immediately infringes on the social aspect of work, a sense of isolation and the beloved “water cooler” moments. In addition to this, social media impacts the ability to socialize comfortably in person. Some of us have become “addicted” to perusing social media and what begins as a few minutes turns quickly into hours. When socializing, many people are on their devices separately when together. And when there is a moment of being alone even in public, the phones come out perhaps as a social anxiety but the result is that it intrudes on the spontaneity of social interaction. I think we all know these things. However, my thought of the day is also on workload demand. When there is so much to do behind the scenes of natural work interaction ie: paperwork, research, publishing, documentation, etc. that requires solitary dedication it can impact socialization:
 It’s the start of a new school year. Same old, same old? Never! Each year brings new students, new colleagues, new material, new relationships, and new experiences. How can we embrace the “old” to search for new meaning and personal and professional growth? I have been teaching full-time for 15 years, part-time for an additional five, and it never gets old. There is a parallel to being a psychotherapist (30 years). Although these are not new experiences, there is a richness in each new academic year, each new client, and each long-term client. Although clients may repeat their stories (it’s a part of the healing), there is a new version or piece of learning in every single rendition. So maybe we need to shift our lens when we think of the same old, same old. There’s a difference between routine (the seasons and the end of summer that marks the beginning of a school year) and routinization. It’s up to us to create new experiences and new perspectives even with what is familiar. It is THAT which not only produces growth, but keeps us motivated, interested, and productive. How can you find the newness in the familiar? Or how can you create it?
 Nothing feels worse than imposter syndrome. Well, lots of things feel worse. But when you are experiencing imposter syndrome it can really do a number on your ego. We all want to feel competent. And we all want to succeed and do well in our careers. Some of us have different measures of success and different levels of drive. Let’s start with setting realistic expectations because I see this as the basis for all things satisfying. It’s “healthy” to have goals and to want to achieve. The irony is that it is usually high achieving folks that experience imposter syndrome - the incessant feeling that you are not competent; not succeeding; not being perceived as “enough”. I have consistently
doubted my competence early in my career. Perhaps it's a rite of passage in this profession. You have a huge responsibility to hold the emotional lives of others. But in time, that feeling should decrease. As you gain experience, and have the ability to recognize your accomplishments, you should get rid of the feeling. Easier said than done. Although I don’t contend with imposter syndrome generally any more (I’m in my 50’s and it took a while), it still rears itself from time to time, depending on the context. When I experience that feeling, I give myself permission not only to feel what I’m feeling, but to also make mistakes. That ability is incredibly freeing. It humanizes us. And, it even may make us more likable: folks see themselves in us, and that’s bonding, and relieving for THEM. When I first started teaching and was filled with anxiety, aka imposter syndrome, a more experienced professor asked me: what is your greatest fear? I replied: to not know the answer to a student’s question. He said “so say you don’t know”. I was floored. I can do that?! Won’t I look incompetent? He reframed it as modeling for the students that 1) I can acknowledge my limitations and 2) I can come back to the next class with the information. This was beyond freeing, though it didn’t automatically cure my imposter syndrome. Time did. Experience did. Building relationships with my students did. I soon saw that students valued what I did have to offer, what I was challenged to see in myself. Next came having to make presentations at conferences and wanting to call from my hotel room to pronounce that I’m too sick to present. The risk was too high: people will see that I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I had these feelings, but I pushed through them. Fast forward to present day. How do I now feel like an experienced, competent psychotherapist and professor? I listened, and I watched… to how others experienced me. And I have taken that in, and made it my own. Because earlier on, I didn’t have the ego to believe in myself. Sometimes we shouldn’t care what others think, and sometimes we need to pay attention to how others perceive us, so that we can build from that, grow from that. Her are a few things you can do:
Tune in to WWDMD Episode 93. |
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