BOYS WILL BE BOYS?

#MeToo #TimesUp #BelieveWomen, we’ve all heard of these all-too familiar hashtags and movements. Why? Because sexual harassment and sexual assault is all too common and it has taken way too long for this social issue to rear its head with such force. 77% of women have experienced verbal sexual harassment, and 51% have been sexually touched without their permission. The numbers are staggering. We have reckoned with the Bill Cosbys, Harvey Weinsteins, Jeffrey Epsteins and so many other men who have abused their positions of power to subordinate and subjugate women. What happens when the lower profile men manipulate, dominate, groom, abuse or harass women and girls? I want to raise awareness of the devastating implication of our culture of sexism and the social construction of gender. We are breeding norms of behavior that perpetuate age-old stereotypes.  It goes like this. In conversation with a friend recently, we were talking about my recent musings of my experiences with a long-standing male friend who demonstrated a subtle form of sexual misconduct (listen to podcast Episode #56 “An amoral game of seduction”). We were debating appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior when she related her 17 year old daughter’s report of her “creepy doorman” who told her “if only I were younger”. The implication was that he, a person of 50 or 60-something years of age, found her attractive. Her mother/my friend told her daughter not to make such a big deal out of it and it’s harmless. My reaction:  this is where the problem begins. Our daughters, children, are socialized to be sexy and “cute” and “adorable” at a very young age. They should dance to Beyonce’s lyrics; twerk like Miley; and be preoccupied with their appearance. After all, girls are always admired for their prettiness, while boys are told how active, strong, and athletic they are. In addition to the grooming of girls to be valued for their appearance, they should simply shrug off inappropriate, denigrating, offensive, and violating attention or statements. We should be flattered by the attention or compliments. I understand that there is a broad stroke of cancel culture that we are contending with, where every reaction seems like an over-reaction but we must also acknowledge, support, and value the rustlings of discomfort that as women, we may experience. Sexual abuse does not have to be the end game. So, when my friend tells her daughter to shrug off or laugh off the doorman’s comment, she is sending a loud message; boys will be boys and just go with the flow. What her daughter and so many others need, is validation of their experience; the recognition that there is an injustice being served; and that women have the right to exercise their voice and let these men know that not only does “no mean no” but that it may just be incumbent on us to protect our personal boundaries by confronting even what may seem like the most benign of violations. That last sentence caused me to pause. Am I saying that women are responsible to educate men on social civilities? And that it’s a woman’s fault if she is violated? Absolutely not. But towards an effort to shift the power dynamic between genders, we can start by helping our children and daughter’s understand acceptable vs. unacceptable behavior, advocate for them, model the use of our voice, and create a baseline of zero tolerance.

I share my personal experience with unwanted sexual advances on Episode #56 of WWDMD.​

---