Dealing with aging parents

There are many of us in the sandwich generation - balancing responsibilities of caregiving for children and aging parents. It is incredibly challenging and daunting. So many emotions and so much time and energy. Even if there are no children involved, it remains that the caregiving becomes an enormous task. There is so much to contend with - for both the aging parent and the caregiver. I’m going to start with the stress on the caregiver. Whether you are working full-time or not, the emotional aspect of seeing your parent physically and/or emotionally decline - the one who had the answers - who was a guiding force - who supported you into your adult life, is  a monumental loss. Accepting that they aren’t who they once were, physically, cognitively or both, often leads to reprimanding them, feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and even depression. Once some physical distance (such as after a visit or time spent in the home) has been created, the guilt sets in. How could I have treated him/her like that? It’s OK. It’s human, and it’s normative, and it’s really really hard. The goal of course is to have more empathy, but the reality of the burden and the loss often overwhelms the ability to be empathic. If there has been a historically conflictual relationship with the aging parent it can be even more stressful and confusing. I know when my mother developed dementia she would often say “you never told me that” when she could not remember something I said. Upon reflection, I would hope to provide more compassion and empathy resulting in a response of  “ok”. But most of us respond with “I already told you… remember?” This is of no help as it only makes the parent aware of their deficiency and leaves them feeling less than. But when their cognitive losses are less clear (perhaps that stage where they haven’t been diagnosed yet and you’re not sure what is happening) and there is a history of conflict, it’s easy to get bogged down in trying to figure out whether the behavior is rooted in a cognitive deficit or may just be a repetitive extension of the parent’s typical behavior. For me, my mother would often say something hurtful and then deny she said it, leading me to question my own perception of reality. So for me, this occurrence of “you never told me that” was a trigger. We do the best we can. Both ourselves, and our parents. So here’s the empathy for the parent: can you imagine what it is like to regress to childlike stages? To need assistance for common everyday practices; to not remember what you don’t remember; to not be able to piece together parts of your life; your daily activity; to depend on your children of whom you are supposed to caregive? This is a cruel life transition. It is extremely difficult to reconcile both physically and emotionally, for all involved. Be kind to yourself. And be kind to your parents. They did and are doing the best they can.

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