oh no, CONFRONTATION

2/19/2023

It seems that the word “confrontation” is something we learned, or were taught, that is not acceptable. I see it as a form of communication - and an important one. It doesn’t have to be equated with conflict, though it seems we are inclined to make the two words synonymous. By definition, confrontation is a hostile or argumentative interaction. And conflict is an aspect of confrontation. But, confrontation does not have to be mean-spirited, aggressive, or overly intense. Most people don’t like expressing anger or having anger directed at them. This is understandable because anger is not a pleasant feeling. And, we tend to avoid feelings that don’t feel good.

I propose that we learn to tolerate, accept, and sit with all kinds of feelings and discomfort. When we allow ourselves to experience, to feel, a range of emotions, including the “bad” ones, we work through them much easier. When we avoid, or use other defense mechanisms to prevent feeling sad, mad, angry, etc. they still live within us; they just come out in different ways such as headaches, stomach aches, anxiety, depression, etc. or they could be displaced onto someone else who doesn’t deserve it.

The intensity of feelings actually dissipates when we accept them, tolerate them, or actually express them. Sitting with the feelings is the first step. This allows us to not act impulsively. When we immediately respond to someone with the anger we feel, the desired communication does not make it over to the other person. It is intercepted by the tone in which it is delivered and the outcome is likely to be unpleasant. So, it’s quite hard to “sit” with the feelings. Often when we impulsively express our feelings, it creates some relief because now we are no longer sitting with them. But what we have done is dropped them on someone else. It’s not always fair, and it’s often not effective. Then, the other person receives it, and either feels badly by the way it was delivered or it’s not heard in the way we intended or wanted it to be received, or with the outcome we envision, and combative friction develops. When we are intensely affected by someone else’s actions, we can be prone to defend ourselves or go on the offense; "fight back”. And fighting back often leads to attacking behavior. On the other hand, those folks who are willing to let their hurt or anger slide, are not getting their needs met.
What to do? Be intentional with your confrontation.

Sit with the feelings. Consider how you are feeling, and allow yourself to feel them
Consider if your upset is rational. Did something trigger your reaction? Does this touch on something deep within you; or from a feeling that was brought alive based on an earlier experience with someone else, that is getting projected onto your current situation/person?
If this is an old wound, consider if you need to work on this yourself, or the person with which you are upset, needs to understand your pain. An old wound may mean this is something you need to work on managing; but it also does not mean your “person” should not be made aware of your hurt. If this is directly related to an offense by this person, then consider the following:
Content: what would you like to share about how you’re feeling or how that person impacted you? Think it through. What is your ultimate goal? Think about the words you want to use; how you are going to convey your message.
Context: Where would be the best setting for this to occur? It can be important to have a neutral environment, in consideration of the outcome. Should it not end well, you don’t want to be stuck in someone else’s home and vice versa. Find a neutral, quite space.
Be Direct: don’t apologize for how you feel. You don’t have to create a big buildup. You also don’t have to bring up everything that has ever bothered you about the person. Remember, pick your battles. If this is something that is meaningful to you, then you are entitled to share your thoughts.
Tone: Tone is everything when it comes to confrontation. How would you want to be confronted? Gently. This is why being able to sit with your own upset is so important. It’s about you taking the time to less intensely feel what you are experiencing. This isn’t a path towards avoidance, ie: a few days later you are less upset so just forget it. It’s important not to be driven by the heat of the moment. When we are less intensely feeling an emotion, we are better situated to use an effective tone - and one that will be more readily received. Stay calm.
Timing: Timing is everything, as they say. When is the right time? When you have both had some space; when you are not tired or burdened with responsibilities; when you are in the right head-space to take this on.

Let’s work on expressing our upset in a healthy manner. It takes work, but the outcome is much more rewarding than blasting someone else or turning the upset inward and becoming depressed. The optimal outcome of confrontation is reconciliation.

For more about this topic, tune in to What Would Dr. Meyers Do?, Episode #18.

16 Comments

Alba Torres

4/1/2023 01:49:01 pm

Dr. Meyers, I am glad you highlight the importance of understanding the challenges people face when communicating their discomfort or disagreement with others and how it can affect entire relationships, especially with those close to them. In my personal experience, I used to associate confrontation with negative outcomes; therefore, I avoid confrontation as much as possible because I don't want to create any friction. I also have to admit that I always try to keep away from those feelings that come with confrontations, such as anxiety, anger, and frustration, and even that feeling of harming myself or the other person's emotions. I just have learned that although we try to refrain from those emotions by avoiding confrontations, we cannot prevent the side effects that result from refraining from those emotions that affect us not only mentally but physically. Reading your blog post made me realize that confrontation doesn't necessarily bring adverse outcomes, and experimenting with those intense feelings we usually avoid, can make us stronger. It is a learning process that might take time and practice, but it will help us grow, especially if we learn how and when confronting others.

Amy Meyers

4/14/2023 12:19:24 pm

Alba,
It definitely takes practice! Maybe best to start with someone whom you know loves you unconditionally. And consider your method of delivery/communication. It does require taking a risk, and I hope you have a positive outcome.

Leora Keehn

11/20/2023 11:33:21 am

Confrontation is not an easy idea to grasp. It is often a topic people shy away from. I agree that it is a form of communication. However, some perceive it as a scary form of communication. The negative connotations that are linked with confrontation are ones that we should gear away from. Confrontation is a necessity to having a successful career. When we do something wrong or there is something we can do better, it is vital to be aware of it. This is especially true as social work students. The purpose of our internships is to learn and grow. Part of learning in an internship is learning how to take that confrontation without being hurt by it. I agree that we must learn how to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that come with confrontation. It is hard, but there are coping mechanisms that help reduce that anxiety. The examples that would be most helpful to me would be to sit and understand the content and context. In addition, timing is everything. When someone is upset or you catch them off guard, it isn't the right time. Ultimately, it is important to do all this in a healthy and productive way.

Jacqueline Romero

4/26/2023 02:02:34 pm

Dr Meyers,

I think that it is so important to highlight confrontation and talk about the different aspects in how confrontation is shown. As well talk about how to do confrontation and how to approach appropriately. For me personally, I do not like confrontation, I believe that it is a scary feeling for me to in talking about my feelings/emotions out. However, being able to participate in discussions and hear from my peers has definitely turned a different way in seeing confrontation can be done in a good way where tone, context and timing is essential. I have not faced confrontation in my field placement, but I do face it personally. This definitely will benefit me in the near future in my future career.

4/27/2023 05:36:56 pm

Perhaps there was a need to do the confrontation in your field placement - with gentle intervention/communication. My sense is that you are referring to being confronted. Both are challenging and I think at the root of it, it's about being comfortable with yourself and not personalizing the reactions that may be involved. I agree it will definitely benefit you personally and professionally.

Stephanie Blackwell

4/30/2023 02:06:17 pm

This blog is extremely beneficial and I wish there was a way to spread this information out to many more people. Everyone could benefit from hearing this information. As human beings we made the word, "confrontation" have a negative connotation to it. We did this by always using the word expressing an argument. I have by far mastered confrontation however, I am in a better place than I once was especially since the beginning of this past semester. For years I avoided situations or talking to people because I was avoiding the confrontation but by this I learned that nothing changes other than my own frustration building inside of me because issues were not addressed. Sitting with your uncomfortable feelings is never fun but it is helpful also to take you time before confronting someone so you have your thoughts straight. You have a right to express yourself and be heard. Be intentional and be confident in your confrontation. I appreciate Dr. Meyers pointing out Tone and Timing because they really do matter and will lead to a successful and effective confrontation.

5/1/2023 11:44:42 am

Glad for your takeaway, Stephanie. I like your connection between confrontation and being heard.

Joy McCallion

5/7/2023 11:48:32 pm

This is a very educational and insightful episode! In my opinion, I think this episode would help a lot of people regardless of the fact that this podcast revolves around social work. I learned so much about myself and my thoughts around confrontation after listening to the episode and reading the post. It is true that self-reflection is a major aspect of confrontation.

5/8/2023 10:56:22 am

Glad to hear! Hopefully your revelation will make it easier to do.

Alyssa Trousdell

11/14/2023 07:01:09 pm

I think for the most part, I’ve seen confrontation as a negative thing because experiences I have of confrontation have always been negative or made me feel uncomfortable. I think I’m the type of person who’s open and respectful to people's feedback but I don’t always take criticism well. I liked reading the blog post because I never thought of it from the perspective that confrontation is actually a good thing and if it’s received well, going to help strengthen relationships. While I believe this is true I don’t think most people see it this way and are defensive to confrontation, especially from someone they aren't too friendly with. I do think it’s important to learn how to tolerate, accept, and sit with all kinds of feelings and discomfort from confrontation. Learning how to take confrontation and not dwell on a negative perspective can help you grow as a person, learn from other people, and strengthen relationships. Learning how to deliver confrontation is just as important. Choosing the appropriate tone, timing and context can have a significant influence on how the receiver perceives the confrontation.

Adriana Sevilla

11/20/2023 10:54:21 pm

Confrontation has always been challenging for me because as an empath I am always considering how the other person is going to feel and I rather be uncomfortable than address the issue but as said in this week's podcast that would fall into people-pleasing behavior. Moving out of being a people pleaser and forcing myself to have these conversations with people despite how they may react which has been a big fear of mine has allowed me to grow and learn what setting boundaries looks like. All individuals should be able to voice how they are feeling instead of bottling up how they feel because that can lead to damaging your relationship with the person or your well-being for neglecting your own needs of feeling heard and understood. I believe context and content; creating a safe environment to speak in and letting it be known you are trying to communicate without conflict are important. The tone is extremely important as well because it can easily influence the direction in which the conversation might go. From experience and in agreement with the podcast I would say the best way to approach confrontation as anxiety-inducing it is would be in person rather than text because it can be interpreted in several ways through text that might not be the delivery you'd hope for.

Samantha Barcia

11/21/2023 12:36:01 pm

All my life confrontation has always been seen as a negative thing. At this point in life I am not sure why confrontation is seen as such a negative thing. We all end up in our lives having to deal with it I feel we need to think about how to approach the situation. I know at the heat of the moment it may be hard to think before we speak and act. I feel after a confrontation/altercation occurs I believe it is great to have self reflect on what you may be feeling and how the person is feeling. As I get older I like to talk more in person or a phone call than over text because it can get confusing when reading texts. I know when I have confrontation I can sound like I have an aggressive tone at times and that's something I need to work on that I have been made aware of. One thing I would say I have learned as I get older is its okay to have conversations that may be seen as confrontation because if you are sitting with uncomfortable feelings the other person may be feeling the same way. Being direct with a person at the right time could possibly change the outcome and miscommunications that occurred.

Amanda

11/22/2023 10:51:06 am

I resonated with this because when I am faced with confrontation, I tend to run the other way. Confrontation does scare me, and I personally prefer to avoid it overall. I agree with the definition stated in the blog because that is how I view it as well, as a hostile and argumentative interaction. I found it enlightening, the portion of the blog that states that we should learn to tolerate, accept, and sit with all kinds of feelings and discomfort, because it is part of advocating for yourself and growing as an individual. I think, being more of a soft-spoken type of person and being someone who tends to avoid expressing negative emotions and confrontation is something I need to work on because it would be easier to deal with those feelings when they come my way. I agree I get those tension headaches when avoiding those negative emotions and I think it would be beneficial to learn to deal with them rather than avoid it, it could also save me some money on Tylenol. It is encouraging to me hearing that once we accept those feelings and figure out what to do with them, those feelings can dissipate since it is never good to internalize them. It would also save the overthinking of, “oh I should’ve done this” or “I should’ve said that”. I appreciate how this blog gives me steps on how to approach confrontation in a respectful manner instead of approaching the situation in a hostile and impulsive way.
I think it is important to think before you speak and “be intentional with your confrontation” because if I were to speak out of impulse, I may end up hurting someone’s feelings or adding a negative vibe to their day, which once I reflect on that I would feel bad that I did that. I agree I think it is important on the way the message you want to translate to the person is delivered, focusing on tone and language used, and sitting with the emotions before confronting the person. I appreciate the list of things to consider before confronting the person because it would allow me to self-reflect on the circumstances and decide whether it is appropriate and necessary to confront the individual. I agree that the different aspects such as time, context, and tone are important to consider because it would contribute to a more healthy and respectful communication rather than a negative one.
It is reassuring to hear that confrontation is reconciliation. This is something that will be useful in life, along with using this knowledge in the workforce, whether that is using a respectful manner of confrontation to approach coworkers or personal relationships to properly express my feelings and thoughts.

Diana

11/26/2023 03:28:07 pm

Confrontation is a word that makes me anxious. When I heard your podcast and you spelled fear, It immediately resonated with me. Just the thought of confrontation makes me anxious. I was taught that confrontation was always hostile. I have learned that it doesn't have to be. Learning how to communicate through a conflict is what makes the difference. I became aware of how I was being affected when I did not express my feelings when I was in a conflict or disagreement with someone. Bottling my feelings made me feel more hurt and would come out as angry. I noticed at times placing that feeling on the wrong person. Now, I like to think of it as agreeing to disagree. I don't need the person to agree with me but instead to listen to my feelings. Although I know that If I want to be listened to my tone and timing are important like you mentioned, at times I still act impulsively. I think being aware of it even after the fact has helped me want to continue to work on it. Changing the way I think of confrontation and seeing it as a disagreement helps me change my negative feelings towards it, it doesn't feel as intense.
As a social work student, I feel that I continue to have "people-pleasing behavior". I say this because I have not experienced conflict with a client yet or at my internship and I feel my first reaction might be to avoid it. At this stage in my life, I know the importance of addressing conflict but conflict with non-relatives is even scarier to me. I fear making someone angry or being misunderstood. I know that this is something I need to work on because I need to stay true to myself, my feelings and abide by the NSW code of ethics.

Leila

11/26/2023 08:46:19 pm

Dr. Meyers, I believe that it is very important to view confrontation as a healthy means of communication. Although, I didn't always see it that way. I learned very poor examples of conflict and confrontation growing up and as a result I have always seen confrontation as an angry interaction or even one that resulted in a negative response that denied feelings or emotions. I am definitely going to try to use the tips you shared such as considering my feelings before a confrontation. This allows me to evaluate my motives going into a conversation to determine if it is healthy and will benefit the relationship or not. When we are first faced with a conflict our minds become clouded with emotions so, taking time to reflect on our feelings and the situation will help to clear our skewed view of the conflict and react in a more healthy and productive way.

Angelina

11/27/2023 11:59:03 am

Confrontation can sound a lot like conflict if not dealt with properly. I know I hate confrontation because to me it sounds like arguing with someone but at the same time, I don't think it's for me to hold all my emotions in. One of the highlights of the blog for me is reading that once we learn to accept, tolerate, and express our feelings, the feelings will soon disappear. The reason why I find this so relieving is because I can have peace of mind and move on. That one feeling doesn't ruin my entire day or week, etc. This is easier to say than to execute like for example in at the internship. For the most part, I avoid it as best as I can but I have found that my supervisor will have done something that annoyed me or bothered me, and instead of confronting it head on I would just ignore it but it would come out in ways I didn't anticipate like a mean tone or avoiding eye contact. My day would be kind of ruined and I would just want to go home. This is clearly not healthy and going forward I want to accept my feelings as what they are and express them effectively.

oh no, CONFRONTATION

Leave a Reply.

Categories

​

oh no, CONFRONTATION

Leave a Reply.

Categories