We Aren't perfect, and we don't have to be

11/16/2022

In this week’s podcast “You Don’t Know Me” we talked about feeling uncomfortable with our own skills at work. Do you ever feel like you are “faking it until you make it”? It’s so uncomfortable, isn’t it?! Imposter syndrome as referenced in the podcast episode this week is feeling this to the extreme. The term seems to be used generally these days when someone feels they are playing a part, and don’t feel confident in their work ability. The true definition is when someone feels this persistently, and in addition to feeling doubt in one’s skills, there is a fear of being exposed as a fraud. Most of us feel that way at some point in our career whether we are a novice or seasoned and you’re being tasked with something that feels out of your knowledge range. But where are you on the spectrum of being self-doubting and anxious versus consistently hiding your struggles and worried you are going to be “found out”. How paralyzing is this feeling?

It can feel like everyone is judging you and your self-esteem is at risk. It can feel like everyone is honing in on your imperfections. Maybe it’s really your internal voice being not so kind. It’s ok to make mistakes! We grow from them. It’s really true. It’s how we learn. It's also how we develop creativity, courage, and resiliency.

I go back to the idea of recognizing your strengths. Make a list. How many attributes, talents, skills, hobbies, characteristics can you come up with? No less than 10! Struggling? Ask a friend. Read an old evaluation (work, school). It is likely you are harsher on yourself than you need to be, and that others will be on you.

If you continue to do the same thing over and over with which you are familiar, you will feel truly capable, but you will remain limited, and perhaps unexcited, unsatisfied, and stuck. Embrace mistakes! Step outside of your comfort zone. Don’t deny yourself the wonderful feeling of witnessing your personal growth. And remember, those folks you see around you with the confidence and abilities you think you don’t have, well they were likely once unsure of themselves too.

If you want to hear more, check out "What Would Dr. Meyers Do", Episode 4.

9 Comments

Alyssa Lombardo

1/29/2023 02:06:34 pm

Hi Dr.Meyers,

As a student, I have adopted this idea of being a perfectionist early on in my education. I believe it may stem from the fact that students typically associate being successful with getting an “A” and anything less than that means you aren’t smart enough and this negatively impacts our self-esteem. I like your suggestion of making a list of attributes, skills and accomplishments in order to recognize our strengths!

Amy Meyers

4/14/2023 12:46:20 pm

Thanks, Alyssa. This kind of taps into your other post about making mistakes. It's commonality is risk-taking and accepting that we don't have to be perfect, AND that one action does not represent the all of you.

Leora Keehn

9/19/2023 09:55:33 am

This blog post couldn’t have described a constant feeling I have any better. I often lack the confidence in my own abilities and skills. Often times I wonder if I’m “faking it” or am I really enjoying what I am doing. This can happen a lot of times with new beginning. Starting new things can be anxiety provoking and cause me to feel like I lack the skills needed. Once I get into what I am doing, I often feel like I really had the skills all along and the feeling of “faking it” quickly fades. It isn’t an easy feeling to shake off and even when I gain the confidence needed to proceed with the task, I often still self-doubt and get anxious. In these times, it is important I recognise my strengths and remember all that I did learn. I like the idea of making a list of strengths and going back to old evaluation. I am definitely going to try this next time I feel like I am in a state of self-doubt.

Adriana Sevilla

9/19/2023 12:59:57 pm

It is always a nerve-wracking experience when beginning a new journey whether this be at a job, school, or internship. I always find myself doubting my abilities and my knowledge or intimidated by those who seem to know more. Being a perfectionist is hard especially when I make a mistake or don’t do something right the first time around. I can be my own worst enemy by giving myself a hard time and not easily letting go of past mistakes. This year I am starting to learn that it is okay to not know it all and find beauty in the struggle. By finding beauty in the struggle I plan to embrace uncertainty and be vulnerable without fear of being judged. This experience will allow me to finally believe in myself and look within when seeking reassurance.

Samantha Barcia

9/19/2023 01:00:25 pm

This blog resonated with me. Something about myself is that I am self conscious. I am the type of person that I do not look at my strengths if anything I focus more on my weaknesses. I notice that I spend a lot of my time with self doubt instead of being confident in myself. I think I often compare myself to others even when I know self I still tend to doubt myself. Being shy has also contributed to me feeling like I constantly need to keep myself quiet. The constant fear of judgement is a huge problem in my life and I need to steer away from constantly feeling like people are judging me. The only way I will get better is by putting myself out there and showing my true potential.

Diana Guzman

9/20/2023 02:58:26 pm

We aren't perfect, and we don't need to be is something I struggle with. I was raised in a household where I was taught to do it the right way or I would have to do it again. Anything I did had to be perfect, for example, making my bed or cleaning. This is a little personal but I feel comfortable sharing. My father would whip me if I fell off a bicycle or if I got hurt. His excuse was it would teach me to do it better next time. After being in therapy I have learned that that experience taught me it was not okay to make a mistake. In our culture whipping was normalized so I never thought that it was a traumatic experience.I have a really hard time with criticism, I take criticism personally. I get upset and feel like how could I not know that. Learning why I am that way has helped me to talk myself through my criticism. I tell myself I won't always get it right. It is hard but it's a work in progress. As a mother, I'm breaking that cycle. I tell my kids they do not have to do things perfectly as long as they try their best. I am trying to set that example to them.
Going into my internship I felt so anxious. I remember you saying that it is okay to make a mistake this is where we will learn. I will keep telling myself this throughout the year in my internship.

Alyssa Trousdell

9/20/2023 09:03:33 pm

I really enjoyed reading this blog because I personally think I lack confidence more than I should. I think I lack confidence because in some aspects I want to be seen a certain way and I don’t want others to judge me. For example, I tend to not participate as much in class because I overthink if what I’m saying is correct or sounds smart. But I have been working at that and I think I’ve gotten better. As well as at my internship these first few days I’ve felt slightly discouraged and found myself feeling like I’m “faking it until I make it”. This is because I’m stepping into a new environment that's unfamiliar to me with many new tasks. I also am lacking some confidence because I’m around many professionals and want to portray myself as a professional and educated. But the truth is I have a lot to learn and that’s okay. It’s important to remember we grow by learning and making mistakes. I really liked the line in the last paragraph, “Don’t deny yourself the wonderful feeling of witnessing your personal growth.” because it’s very true that most of the time our internal self is our toughest critic.

Angelina Sanchez

9/24/2023 09:13:10 pm

"Fake it until you make it" was a phrase I used to live by. Whether at school or work, I put up the facade that I had it together. By the standards of my mom and dad, teachers, and friends I was perfect. I used to be the kind that got the highest scores, was always happy, and walked everywhere like I knew what I was doing. But that became exhausting. Perhaps it was ingrained in me growing up as the oldest of three siblings and having to set the example, but as I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate authenticity and honesty. Being truly yourself has its charm. I now like walking with this newfound confidence in myself, even though I no longer get high 90s or fail to appear happy all the time, it's an assurance that just results from my being myself.

Leila Fatscher

9/25/2023 08:53:36 am

This is definitely a familiar feeling for me. Especially as a student who is always learning and making mistakes. In my past I have found myself in environments where I have felt this need to be perfect all the time and know everything. However, that negates the entire purpose of being a student. I have never attempted to create an entire list of all of my strengths but I see that to be extremely beneficial. In social work we talk about using these theories and models such as the strengths based approach with our clients but what would that look like to use these tools for ourselves? I think that using this model on myself will not only help this feeling of "imposter syndrome" by focusing on the things that I can offer, but also help me practice using this technique with a client.

We Aren't perfect, and we don't have to be

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