Who Cares what others think

“Who cares what others think!” Can we really live by this ideal? I am a middle-aged University Professor. I was bullied throughout my middle school and some high school years. I cried myself to sleep. I dreaded walking down the hallways. My ego was battered. I know what it feels like to be unseen, viewed in a negative light, ridiculed and tormented. I also now know what it feels like to be seen, admired, and sought after. It took years to achieve feeling liked, loved, valued for my positive attributes, and yes, I feel empowered. How did I get there? I actually listened to what others thought of me. I heard the statements that were made of appreciation. I saw the way people looked at me. And I took it in. On the one hand, we learn not to give others such power over us. That we have to build our confidence through believing in ourselves. This is not an easy task, particularly for the developing adolescent who is fraught with building an identity and to whom peer approval is everything. As an adult, especially as a woman, we are often conditioned to dismiss the positive accolades: to undo compliments. We all can relate to the retort to “you look so nice; I love your outfit” with “really? this is so old”; or “you’re so funny” with “I worry that I’m too sarcastic”. We must learn to acknowledge and take in the positive observations with “THANK YOU”. Care what others think, especially as an adult, and hopefully as a child and adolescent when it is affirming. 

Take in what is liked about you; your strengths; views and perceptions that contradict those victimizing perceptions from youth.

• We do have the power to shift our perceptions of ourselves – and it may take external validation. It may be challenging to integrate your sense of self with how others positively perceive and receive you, but work on it.
• We are a society that judges each other based on immediate (often physical) impressions. We are much more complex than first impressions. Give others the same openness with which you wish to be received.
• I have found that the greater permission I allow to be myself and the more I share the various sides of myself, then the more outgoing I become, the more I enjoy myself and relationships. This took time, and it required that I make myself vulnerable. Vulnerability is an uncomfortable feeling. And we expend a lot of energy protecting ourselves from it. Yet, we need to risk exposing ourselves in order for us to be fully appreciated; to embrace ourselves; and to lead a more content life.

---